Wheels and spin

Is it a bird? Is it a plane? Is it a raging bull...? No, it's only Boris....But wait - where's his bike?

The kooky contender for Ken's crown has written a lovely piece in today's DT detailing the recent theft of his trusty bicycle and subsequent frustration with the authorities.

I have no doubt the incident was simply a case of bad fortune but you've got to admit, Boris is doing a good job of appealing to prospective voters (he's especially hot on transport as it is). The London cyclist is now a social stereotype all of its own...(and barmy if you ask me...but good one them).

Sympathetic as I am to the loss of Mr Johnson's speedy silver Marin Sausalito after he went to such lengths to secure it, that's what you get for leaving a £700 bike on the streets of the smoke, mate. I doubt you'll see it on eBay anytime soon.

However, I'd be more than happy to proffer Boris my own bike if he's desperate. It's still functional after 12 years of childhood knocks and rural abuse and comes in a rather fetching shade of cerise pink.

Elsewhere in the Torygraph Alice Thomson has given an excellent summary of wee Gordon's public image. I think she's spot on here - our stoic PM has done a splendid job branding himself without doing much politically. Despite announcing a raft of reviews into society's vices I'm yet to find enlightenment in the Governments housing/education/health agenda. But whereas David Cameron has been all spun out, Mr Brown's busy winding himself up tight into the paradigm of stuffy virtue.

If Gordon would only let loose and tell the English public exactly what he thinks of them, I'd furnish him with a lifetime's supply of nice blue ties to wear.

Playing God

Next time you shoot through Wal-Mart to pick up some ammo (ha, sorry) don't forget to get a little something for the kids. The American retailer will soon be stocking Biblical toys in a bid to rival Barbie, Bratz and a swathe of superhero favourites.

The toys, manufactured by West coast company One2Believe, will be marketed in the South and Midwest US, appealing to the religious right. Figures include Jesus, Noah, Moses, Goliath and Mary (pictured below with Joseph and the infant Christ, who, disturbingly, reminds me of Chucky....).

David Socha, One2Believe's CEO, is touting the dolls as "real superheroes", laying heavy criticism on popular competitors. "If you walk down the toy aisles you see a lot of reproductions of Satan, or dolls that promote promiscuity", he said.

I'm no big fan of some of the tat on today's shelves - Bratz dolls are quite possibly the work of the Devil - however Mr Socha's figures represent a small, well-known collective of Biblical characters (sorry, reproductions of historical figures, ahem) - where are the Delilahs and the Jezebels...?

I've got nothing against the range - they'll answer the prayers of many a God-fearing child or concerned parent. But surely, in a kid's mind, its only so long before playing Daniel and the lion gets boring and the lion fancies a spot of lunch. "Faith-enriching toys" they may be but even good Christian children have an imagination - I'll wager it won't be long before Noah falls overboard, Mary gets a haircut (or ritual decapitation), or Samson (below) goes in search of some superhero arse to kick. Samson vs. Spidey, who's your money on?

Blue skies at last...

Woohoo, the weather's cleared up, lets go skydiving...Didn't post anything yesterday as a took the day off work to go jumping, which was nice.

I'm afraid this rant won't be much interest to non-jumpers/pilots but I have to vent...I've just read an article in the Guardian regarding a plane crash that happened a few years ago at a UK drop zone. A small Cessna took off from Dunkeswell airfield in Devon but soon experienced engine problems and was forced to make a crash landing. Sadly the pilot and three of the load's jumpers died on impact.

A pet hate of mine is badly written skydiving stories, many of which show the sport in a bad light in order to make good copy. This piece initially praises the action of Major Mike Wills, an experienced tandem instructor who shielded his passenger (sorry, "student") when the plane hit the ground, sacrificing his own life for his student. It then goes on to cover the current inquest into the crash and whether or not the drop zone was negligent in sending the plane up in the first place.

Right, please bear in mind that this is a load of wild guess work and bitching on my part (that's half the fun of blogging though, isn't it?) and I've never jumped at Dunkeswell so I can't comment on their procedures. However I have an issue with the inquest write up, namely one Mr Robin Prisk, "witness".

Mr Prisk said on record, "I noticed the pilot did no external checks at all. He just got in and took off. I have done two or three hundred jumps and the pilot nearly always checks the aircraft first."

Now what this statement and the article itself does not make clear is whether that fated take off was the first lift of the day. If so, the plane should get checked over, the same goes after a re-fuel, when the plane's on the ground for an extended period.

Now unlike Mr Prisk I have not done "two or three hundred" jumps (86 as of yesterday) but I have been around drop zones all my life and therefore feel I have some authority with which to label this man a complete pillock;

1) External checks? It was an internal engine failure you idiot. As for external problems I think the pilot would've noticed if a wing had broken or the propeller had fallen off.

2) "The pilot nearly always checks the aircraft first". Where the hell have you been jumping mate? Skydiving is a busy industry - plane goes up, people get out, plane comes down, repeat (until plane needs more juice, then re-fuel). As stated above, we don't know at what stage in the day the pilot, 52 year-old Paul Norman, took over the plane but he may have been relieving another pilot between lifts, if so there would have been no time (or reason) for Mr Norman to check the plane. He would have just got in an got on with it. If it was the first flight of the day the plane should have had the relevant checks (perhaps not by Mr Norman) - I can't believe it didn't.

3) "Two or three hundred jumps". Uh huh, my arse. Don't you know how many jumps you've done Mr Prisk? You may have noticed I know exactly how many I've done (even when I'm unsure I know to the nearest ten) - because skydivers have to record every jump they do. Experienced skydivers with thousands of jumps can be excused vague jump numbers. Novices cannot. When you're starting out in the sport 100 jumps is a lot and the difference between 200 and 300 is quite important. This guy couldn't even be bothered to check his logbook before giving evidence in official proceedings....

I could go on but you will have lost the will to live by now. Any thoughts would be appreciated (especially if there are any pilots/jumpers out there who can correct me if I'm being unduly harsh) and you must have come across people like Mr Prisk in their line of work/hobby?

I always wanted to go into space...

Two days away from the blogosphere and I'm at a loss....I just don't have the energy at the minute to talk about the weather (still damp) or the Government (still there) so I'll construct a frivolous Friday post instead.

According to a couple of science journals NASA has been letting its astronauts boldly go where a few men (and women) have gone before - lathered.

A review was ordered after space cadet Lisa Nowak flew whilst intoxicated and then assaulted a fellow astronaut's girlfriend. An independent panel found that there had been two further instances of inebriation before missions (it is not known whether they involved Mrs Nowak). Now a space shuttle's an intricate, expensive piece of kit, I'm struggling to fathom why on Earth (ha, or not) you'd want to try and fly one whilst drunk...Is space really that dismal or did they just drink because they could? Mind you, it's not like they posed a risk to other orbital users - I wonder if the US Government can up its own insurance...?

Three Lib Dem councillors in Bideford, Devon have left their party in protest after the appointment of a new colleague, 34 year-old Myrna Bushell, who, aside from her political activism, also happens to be a stripper. Looks like a case of sour grapes to me. I realise that Mrs Bushell's (a.k.a Jessica) profession is lacking in gravitas but she got elected, fair and square, regardless of her day job. If Mrs Bushell is prepared to hold her head up high and work to better her community (albeit whilst operating kissograms and sex lines) then good on her.

For your viewing pleasure;

Oh, I saw the Simpson's Movie yesterday. I'll spare you my usual saga review. It was alright. The blink-and-you-miss-them gags were funnier than the set pieces, which quite frankly, were disappointing. 10 years in the making and America's funniest family is merely tittersome. The film looks swish (Futurama-esque CGI) but unfortunately it fails to talk the talk. Thank goodness I have Sky.

Snore..

I'm having another unmotivated day, I'm afraid. I shall blame this lack of purpose on finishing the final Harry Potter book last night. The last 72 hours have been a emotionally draining experience for me. I'm happy to reach the end of a long journey and put the lid on my Pottermania for the foreseeable future, sad because Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows ushers in the end of an era with a load of uncomfortable questions about life and love and plenty of characters popping their clogs.

Back in the real world people across the country are having to deal with widespread flooding as best they can. Acts of God suck. I live next to a river and got issued with a flood warning yesterday. According to the Environment Agency if it bursts it'll take out a number of village streets and mine's first on the list. Eep. I can't wait, my mother, the cat and I confined in an even smaller living space...My thoughts go out to all those having to wade through sewage just to put the kettle on, sorry guys.

Is this the real world though? With trivial prohibitions and swelling health and safety regulations sometimes I'm not so sure.

Bournemouth council has banned the area's three swimming pools from lending out armbands to young children. Letting parents blow up the inflatables could spread bacteria and potential punctures could lead to accidents. Would it be that difficult for the centres wash and/or replace the bands regularly?

The times and trials of tv....

Creative editing of her Royal Highness, continuity errors on Homes Under the Hammer, dodgy phone quiz's galore and now it looks like a hardy ex SAS man prefers hospitality pancakes to the great outdoors. Will the lies ever cease? Why has the box deceived me so?

Channel 4 presenter Bear Grylls stands accused of misleading his audience during the filming of his Born Survivor series in which, according to a whistle blowing crew member, he often put himself up in a hotel for the night rather than camp.

Having never watched the series I can't comment on its presentation. That's not going to stop wild speculation though. I would hazard a guess that the discerning viewer watches Grylls climb rugged, blistering terrain for a bit (chatting away about the locale as he marches purposefully onwards), pitches his tent in the wilderness and then finds some ingenious way to cross a river, not before eating the extremities of some unfortunate furry critter. All fascinating, wholesome stuff which naturally leads the audience to think that maybe Grylls actually spends his evenings on location freezing his digits off in the middle of some mountain range, as opposed to the local B&B with its soft pillows and freebie toiletries.

On finding that the pressures, logistics and health and safety clauses of filming mean that they recieve a blinkered picture, audience's feel cheated, lied to by ommission.

A Channel 4 spokesman said: "Born Survivor is not an observational documentary series but a 'how to' guide to basic survival techniques in extreme environments". Survival consultant Mark Weinert went on, "If you really believe everything happens the way it is shown on TV, you are being a little bit naive".

Most people take "real life" programming with a pinch of salt, realising that pretty much everything on the telly is manipulated somehow, if not faked. We still wish it was real though, which leads into the question of whether or not Born Survivor "misled audiences". I sympathise with any C4 viewers who feel just a little cheated. For years I've wanted to take on Quavers, the lying cads, for asserting that their snacks were "floaty light". I wasted a lot of crisps when I was younger before I worked out the concept of false advertising (I'm not still bitter...).

I hope Grylls has learnt his lesson - next time give the four-star suite to the film crew and they might not grass you up.

Oh, good to hear that the unnamed Muslim girl kicked off a murder case for boogying away to her iPod has been done for Contempt and appeared in court this morning. Despite protestations from her family over the trial, Judge Aidan Marron QC said: "I can understand the real anxiety she and her family have, but I am afraid this is so important, it is of fundamental importance, that we get it right." Damn straight.

Elsewhere Travelodge have announced an end to pay-per-view porn, leaving legions of business men lonely far from home.

Do we ever learn?

All these responsible holders of public office coming out and confessing their despicable, albeit fleeting, cannabis use....Gosh, surely honesty is not being spun as the best policy on this one....? The question is, of course, does the public care? Of course we don't, hence the disclosures. I, for one, don't give a monkeys if every single immaculately suited, middle-class paper pusher in Whitehall had a few tokes with their mates at uni. Congratulations you've outed yourselves, what a splash.

I'm more concerned, however, on hearing that history is becoming an undesirable, poorly structured subject in today's schools (especially as there are so many good history teachers out there). And will Government listen to Ofsted and reform the subject for the better? Three years ago Charles Clarke (then Education Secretary) said that history, as an academic subject, had no place in the modern world. I remember the incident as I was sitting the first year of my history degree at the time. I was not impressed. What Mr Clarke meant was that studying history does not leave you that many firm job prospects in the modern world (true enough...). Nevertheless to be any good at the subject you have to be able to research well, construct arguments and write persuasively. Still useful skills.

I may be biased but I firmly believe that history has a fundamental place in the education of young people. As empirical creatures we naturally create (and distort) our own history's every day - curse our large, hyperactive craniums - and what the human race does collectively, over notable periods of time, is of even more interest because we hope to learn from past trends. I think school children do learn from history (even if they don't yet understand the what's on the text book isn't necessarily true, its just some old duffer's interpritation of events).

And now the subject is a political issue. History repeats itself as children cover the rise of Nazism and appeasement again and again (I remember studying the topic for both GCSE and A Level five years ago) and still fail to grasp the main themes and hypothetical questions that arise from the past. I believe a wider range of historical periods should be taught, along with some attempt to link chronologies. Everyone likes time lines....

Politicians are now extolling the virtues of history as a social adhesive. Citizenship classes are not working and history should take up the burden, concentrating on "positive" British history and the history of minority groups. The labelling of positive and negative history is risible but a greater focus on the subject is certainly welcome (I believe it should be made compulsory). As long as kids get to cover a broad range of periods, with suitable props (I had a wonderful teacher who insisted on longbow lessons) the subject should hopefully inspire generations to come.