Anyone know the rest?
Well, I do. The opening lines of Jane Austen's seminal Pride and Prejudice kick aimlessly around my head, waiting to spring forth should the rigour of University Challenge or Eggheads demand it.
I blame an Austen obsessed grandparent and comprehensive education's slavish devotion to certain classics. Plus my gender - it is also a truth universally acknowledged that young middle class women naturally gravitate toward period dramas at some point during their adolescence.
The few Austen novel's that I've read - P&P, Emma and Persuasion - I have actually enjoyed. The language is stiff and dated and takes some getting used to but the social commentary is excellent. Give me good ole Jane over Mills and Boon any day.
Anyway, the stuff's literary gold. Or not. Austin aficionado David Lassman, frustrated by his own failure to get into print, decided to see if 18 of the country's biggest publishing firms would recognise a classic, passing off the great author's work as his own. Only one company, Jonathan Cape, realised they had been sent a tweaked except.
I consider this to be a real shame. Lassman received a swathe of polite fob-offs from underlings, illustrating how hard it is for new (or old, in this instance) talent to get noticed. Publishers are businesses, they back books that fit current literary trends and marketing models. How disheartening. Your work stands a slim chance of fitting the bill and even if it does get read its by some overworked editor's assistant who can't spot a rip off.
Nevertheless my brow shall continue to sweat. Someday my masterpiece - involving a transexual go-go dancer from Buenos Aires who saves the Earth from giant Platypi - will astound the world.
Thursday, 19 July 2007
Tuesday, 17 July 2007
Mm....doughnuts....
This is a giggle...The country's pagans are livid after an image of Homer Simpson was painted next to the 180ft long (height, ahem) Cerne Abbas giant in Dorset.The chalk giant, originally outlined in the 1600s, is believed to be a fertility aid.
Homer, on the other hand, was drawn with biodegradable paint to promote the new Simpsons movie out later this month.
Distraught pagans have vowed to pray for rain in order to remove the offending picture of the cartoon celebrity.
Speaking for the Pagan Federation Anne Bryn-Evans said: "It's very disrespectful and not at all aesthetically pleasing....I'm amazed they got permission to do something so ridiculous".
Hmm, which one's prettier...Homer with a doughnut or some naked, club wielding bloke with an erection...? And just what is Monsieur Simpson planning to do which that pastry? He could play hoopla/horseshoes (knowing Homer he'd probably eat it anyway....eww).
A hazardous education
After a decade spent in comprehensive education a British youth might not be able to add, subtract or write a coherent sentence but should they trip up in the playground they'll be quids in. Who needs basic life skills when your child could receive £3,400 for a minor school yard scrape?
There's no real correlation between Britain's educational deficit and its compensation culture, of course (I'm being pedantic....) - but the amount that local authorities have been coughing up to injured parties does make it look like LEAs are more concerned with dodging court than discipline and teaching standards.
An older pupil who trespassed on primary school property won nearly £6,000 damages after the gate he was playing on broke and the local council could not prove that the gate had been properly maintained (to sustain the weight said child using it as a swing...). Another child received £12,746 after getting injured during a school hockey match.
I have no issue with compensation for acts of negligence - a wet floor or feckless teacher allowing mayhem - but draw the line at random accidents and childish stupidity.
I'm biased, however, and jealous. I only had two accidents whilst at school, one was a fractured arm acquired after a cartwheel went wrong, the other was a hockey ball in the chest at high speed. Both hurt terribly but a mere fractured arm and some technicolor bruising failed to spur my parents into action. One incident was my fault, the other was unfortunate (though I'll always maintain that Luke, the little git, took aim...).
Two recent pay-outs for the same injuries totalled just over £20,000. That would have been my student debt cleared, this years car insurance and tax, a holiday paid for etc....Damn.
Back to the idea that schools are for learning....Five million adults leave school semi-literature, whilst 17 million barely achieve a pass in GSCE maths. Seven per cent of adults can not answer a sum set for eight-year-olds (one eighth of 32...come on chaps, we can work it out...). Compulsory education will be extended to the age of 18 and private companies are now in talks with the Government over acquiring public funding for further education. By further education they mean resitting GCSEs to ensure their new employees can actually read and write.
Meanwhile ministers are (still) pledging to up further/higher education figures - aiming to increase the number of people with a university degree from 29 to 40 per cent by 2020. This is an imbecilic policy - there no one degree format that fits all and what about when all those graduates are let loose to on the labour market? Employment is not guaranteed (around 29 candidates, if not more more, apply for every graduate placement).
Scary stuff, best of luck Mr Balls.
(Oh, the answer's 6 by the way, I think, er, um....)
There's no real correlation between Britain's educational deficit and its compensation culture, of course (I'm being pedantic....) - but the amount that local authorities have been coughing up to injured parties does make it look like LEAs are more concerned with dodging court than discipline and teaching standards.
An older pupil who trespassed on primary school property won nearly £6,000 damages after the gate he was playing on broke and the local council could not prove that the gate had been properly maintained (to sustain the weight said child using it as a swing...). Another child received £12,746 after getting injured during a school hockey match.
I have no issue with compensation for acts of negligence - a wet floor or feckless teacher allowing mayhem - but draw the line at random accidents and childish stupidity.
I'm biased, however, and jealous. I only had two accidents whilst at school, one was a fractured arm acquired after a cartwheel went wrong, the other was a hockey ball in the chest at high speed. Both hurt terribly but a mere fractured arm and some technicolor bruising failed to spur my parents into action. One incident was my fault, the other was unfortunate (though I'll always maintain that Luke, the little git, took aim...).
Two recent pay-outs for the same injuries totalled just over £20,000. That would have been my student debt cleared, this years car insurance and tax, a holiday paid for etc....Damn.
Back to the idea that schools are for learning....Five million adults leave school semi-literature, whilst 17 million barely achieve a pass in GSCE maths. Seven per cent of adults can not answer a sum set for eight-year-olds (one eighth of 32...come on chaps, we can work it out...). Compulsory education will be extended to the age of 18 and private companies are now in talks with the Government over acquiring public funding for further education. By further education they mean resitting GCSEs to ensure their new employees can actually read and write.
Meanwhile ministers are (still) pledging to up further/higher education figures - aiming to increase the number of people with a university degree from 29 to 40 per cent by 2020. This is an imbecilic policy - there no one degree format that fits all and what about when all those graduates are let loose to on the labour market? Employment is not guaranteed (around 29 candidates, if not more more, apply for every graduate placement).
Scary stuff, best of luck Mr Balls.
(Oh, the answer's 6 by the way, I think, er, um....)
Monday, 16 July 2007
Five days and counting..
I'm afraid I'm going to have to do it....Yes that's right, I'm going to talk about Harry Potter. I went to go and see the Film no. 5 on Friday night so here's the verdict...
If you're a fan of the books/film franchise you'll love it. If you're not up to speed with this whole concept of a load of school kids larking about with wands, fighting grown men wearing dresses (sorry, dark wizards) then abandon any attempt at piecing together the plot, sit back and enjoy the pretty pictures.
Me and a couple of girlfriends went to a late showing in the hope of avoiding rows of sniffling, squealing children. Instead we packed ourselves into a cinema filled with (at least a hundred) sniffling, squealing grown men and women. With David Yates directing Order of the Phoenix is even darker than the previous celluloid installment, peppered with tragic flashback sequences, soul sucking demons, child torture and yes, more death. Good job we didn't pile in with the kiddies. At least adults try to retain some dignity and whimper quietly.
Many Potterites share a dislike for this particular episode, viewing it on aggregate as the longest and dullest of Harry's adventures. Most of the story takes place at Hogwarts and is concerned with the kids acting out against their new headteacher, with the titular Order and whizz-bang action having to wait until the end of the film. However Yates does a good job with the plot changes and abridgements - fitting the mammoth tome into just over two hours screen time, giving the film pace whilst retaining its ominous, oppressive feel (making the film's moments of comic relief all the more delightful, such when Ron and Hermione bicker about Harry's love life and the Weasley twins disrupt a OWL exam).
The acting is admirable. As the franchise's three protagonists Daniel Radcliffe, Emma Watson and Rupert Grint are improving, slowly, though they still come across as stiff in places (not to mention the age issue, it's odd watching a group of young adults playing 15 year-olds, especially after the lead character stormed the West End in his birthday suit not that long ago). The experienced cast members are excellent though, especially the insidious evil of Imelda Staunton's Dolores Umbridge - a harpy in pink - and Gary Oldman's haunted Sirius. Nods to Maggie Smith, Alan Rickman, Emma Thompson and Helena Bonham Carter amongst the myriad of British talent on show.
The special effects are stunning (with the exception of Hagrid's naff hulking half-brother) and thanks to Yates the jokes and the tone of Order are decidedly more grown up than previous offerings (Rowling's harsh media and Ministry of Magic are brilliantly portrayed, sure to touch some nerves). Adult fans should be appeased, young kids on the other hand might get a little distressed at parts but if they've read and enjoyed the books then they can hack it.
Meanwhile the world waits for the weekend to hurry itself up and get here already...Saturday 21 July sees the end of an era with the release of the final Potter book and I'm not ashamed to say I'm getting a little excited. Everyone needs a bit of magic, after all.
If you're a fan of the books/film franchise you'll love it. If you're not up to speed with this whole concept of a load of school kids larking about with wands, fighting grown men wearing dresses (sorry, dark wizards) then abandon any attempt at piecing together the plot, sit back and enjoy the pretty pictures.
Me and a couple of girlfriends went to a late showing in the hope of avoiding rows of sniffling, squealing children. Instead we packed ourselves into a cinema filled with (at least a hundred) sniffling, squealing grown men and women. With David Yates directing Order of the Phoenix is even darker than the previous celluloid installment, peppered with tragic flashback sequences, soul sucking demons, child torture and yes, more death. Good job we didn't pile in with the kiddies. At least adults try to retain some dignity and whimper quietly.
Many Potterites share a dislike for this particular episode, viewing it on aggregate as the longest and dullest of Harry's adventures. Most of the story takes place at Hogwarts and is concerned with the kids acting out against their new headteacher, with the titular Order and whizz-bang action having to wait until the end of the film. However Yates does a good job with the plot changes and abridgements - fitting the mammoth tome into just over two hours screen time, giving the film pace whilst retaining its ominous, oppressive feel (making the film's moments of comic relief all the more delightful, such when Ron and Hermione bicker about Harry's love life and the Weasley twins disrupt a OWL exam).
The acting is admirable. As the franchise's three protagonists Daniel Radcliffe, Emma Watson and Rupert Grint are improving, slowly, though they still come across as stiff in places (not to mention the age issue, it's odd watching a group of young adults playing 15 year-olds, especially after the lead character stormed the West End in his birthday suit not that long ago). The experienced cast members are excellent though, especially the insidious evil of Imelda Staunton's Dolores Umbridge - a harpy in pink - and Gary Oldman's haunted Sirius. Nods to Maggie Smith, Alan Rickman, Emma Thompson and Helena Bonham Carter amongst the myriad of British talent on show.
The special effects are stunning (with the exception of Hagrid's naff hulking half-brother) and thanks to Yates the jokes and the tone of Order are decidedly more grown up than previous offerings (Rowling's harsh media and Ministry of Magic are brilliantly portrayed, sure to touch some nerves). Adult fans should be appeased, young kids on the other hand might get a little distressed at parts but if they've read and enjoyed the books then they can hack it.
Meanwhile the world waits for the weekend to hurry itself up and get here already...Saturday 21 July sees the end of an era with the release of the final Potter book and I'm not ashamed to say I'm getting a little excited. Everyone needs a bit of magic, after all.
Friday, 13 July 2007
Sad songs...
Following Jenny's invitation (check this girl out she's good, you know http://geewhizjenny.blogspot.com/) I'm going to abandon any pretense at a (semi) professional blog and talk about my musical tastes....Because I can (and this sort of thing's therapeutic I'm told).
5 songs that move me (for better or worse):
Pink Floyd - Comfortably Numb - A song about the trappings of drugs and rock and roll with the best guitar solo EVER (my heart wants to jump out of my chest when I hear it). Play loud.
Elton John - Tiny Dancer - Not my favourite Elton tune (that's Crocodile Rock, always makes me want to jump around like an idiot...) but a bloody good ballad, the imagery is wonderful, very 70s, nice strings (closely followed by Someone Saved My Life Tonight in the emotional stakes).
Dire Straits - Sultans of Swing - This song is not an overplayed classic for nothing. I got brought up on this lot, its all good (apart from Walk of Life, which puts my teeth on edge) but this track in particular makes me feel like I've come home, chills me out and makes me smile every time I hear it.
Crowded House - Fall At Your Feet - I shouldn't be admitting this. This song always makes me feel broken (dodgy lyrics too). Aussie bastards.
Coldplay - Fix You - Yes, laugh it up, I like bed-wetting indie rock. This lot have done a few tracks that have made me feel raw but the lyrics and crescendo to Fix You make me relive some horrible emotional memories whilst reminding me to look to the future and appreciate all the love I've had in my life (all people who've helped fix me, as it were).
5 songs that move me (for better or worse):
Pink Floyd - Comfortably Numb - A song about the trappings of drugs and rock and roll with the best guitar solo EVER (my heart wants to jump out of my chest when I hear it). Play loud.
Elton John - Tiny Dancer - Not my favourite Elton tune (that's Crocodile Rock, always makes me want to jump around like an idiot...) but a bloody good ballad, the imagery is wonderful, very 70s, nice strings (closely followed by Someone Saved My Life Tonight in the emotional stakes).
Dire Straits - Sultans of Swing - This song is not an overplayed classic for nothing. I got brought up on this lot, its all good (apart from Walk of Life, which puts my teeth on edge) but this track in particular makes me feel like I've come home, chills me out and makes me smile every time I hear it.
Crowded House - Fall At Your Feet - I shouldn't be admitting this. This song always makes me feel broken (dodgy lyrics too). Aussie bastards.
Coldplay - Fix You - Yes, laugh it up, I like bed-wetting indie rock. This lot have done a few tracks that have made me feel raw but the lyrics and crescendo to Fix You make me relive some horrible emotional memories whilst reminding me to look to the future and appreciate all the love I've had in my life (all people who've helped fix me, as it were).
Thursday, 12 July 2007
Food, glorious food...
Public health experts have suggested that taxing unhealthy foods could saves thousands of lives a year. Annually over 200,000 people die of cardiovascular related illnesses - diseases which could be prevented with the help of a better diet.
Regardless of the health benefits you can imagine how well this would go down with the food industry and the consumer/voter...Lead balloon/homesick safe comes to mind...
The Government has been quick to pooh-pooh such a proposal. Good move - a few more pence on a bar of chocolate is no deterrent to the premenstrual female or chubby school child alike. I should know, having been both in my time - and I've happily imagined homicide for the sake of a cream bun.
But the fact remains that a quarter of this country's population is obese thanks to the accessibility of unhealthy (but oh so tasty) food stuffs coupled with a lazy outlook on life.
Meanwhile healthy school dinners remain a distant myth created by some gobby Essex chef desperate for air-time. (joke - I think Jamie Oliver's theory is a marvelous one - but in practice most kids are a nightmare when it comes to food).
A report by the Local Authority Caterers Association deplores the evidence that, despite the production and labour costs of school dinners going up (in order to serve heathier portions) kids just don't want to eat them. Chairman Sandra Russell states: "We cannot expect to reverse an embedded eating culture overnight nor can we convert teenagers to a healthier regime by force". What a sensible lady (of course the same theory applies to all those pernicious adult vices, be it drinking, smoking or taking illegal substances).
My secondary school housed a number of much loved vending machines and the healthy lunch option was pretty much always disregarded in favour of a burger and chips. Especially by me. I was not always allowed dinner money but whenever my parents gave in their hard earned cash went directly towards my spiraling BMI. For the record I also feel a twinge of guilt, shuffling along in the queue. Not enough to stop me though. However I snacked on fruit and veg and my breakfasts and dinners were all healthy home cooked meals (thanks mum). I liked healthy food and was always aware that the junk that I was consuming whilst at school was just that.
I also enjoyed playing sport - especially after working out that it got rid of some of the chubbiness...
I still exercise regularly, as well as eating things I shouldn't. I've grown out of the puppy fat and know what it is to eat sensibly, even if I don't always do so. And the reason - my upbringing. My parents brought me up to eat well (employing the harsh but fair, "If you don't eat what you're given you don't eat" dictum) and run around outdoors ("Go and climb a tree or something, you").
The government has already seen that forced healthy meals does not go down well. A better policy would be an expanded physical education programme and appealing to lardy arsed parents to get their sprogs out in the sunshine once in a while.
We might be a nation of fatties but, to Manchester's fury, perhaps not a nation of gamblers. Well done for scrapping the super-casino Mr Brown, shame we're still going to end up with mini versions, whether we like it or not.
Despite the contracts and jobs that arise from these ventures I do not think that gambling should be encouraged in Britain. In the light of all our other vices (see above) it's an aborrent idea. We're a dependant, cheap thrill seeking, consumer culture, how will a profligacy of legal gambling joints help this?
Regardless of the health benefits you can imagine how well this would go down with the food industry and the consumer/voter...Lead balloon/homesick safe comes to mind...
The Government has been quick to pooh-pooh such a proposal. Good move - a few more pence on a bar of chocolate is no deterrent to the premenstrual female or chubby school child alike. I should know, having been both in my time - and I've happily imagined homicide for the sake of a cream bun.
But the fact remains that a quarter of this country's population is obese thanks to the accessibility of unhealthy (but oh so tasty) food stuffs coupled with a lazy outlook on life.
Meanwhile healthy school dinners remain a distant myth created by some gobby Essex chef desperate for air-time. (joke - I think Jamie Oliver's theory is a marvelous one - but in practice most kids are a nightmare when it comes to food).
A report by the Local Authority Caterers Association deplores the evidence that, despite the production and labour costs of school dinners going up (in order to serve heathier portions) kids just don't want to eat them. Chairman Sandra Russell states: "We cannot expect to reverse an embedded eating culture overnight nor can we convert teenagers to a healthier regime by force". What a sensible lady (of course the same theory applies to all those pernicious adult vices, be it drinking, smoking or taking illegal substances).
My secondary school housed a number of much loved vending machines and the healthy lunch option was pretty much always disregarded in favour of a burger and chips. Especially by me. I was not always allowed dinner money but whenever my parents gave in their hard earned cash went directly towards my spiraling BMI. For the record I also feel a twinge of guilt, shuffling along in the queue. Not enough to stop me though. However I snacked on fruit and veg and my breakfasts and dinners were all healthy home cooked meals (thanks mum). I liked healthy food and was always aware that the junk that I was consuming whilst at school was just that.
I also enjoyed playing sport - especially after working out that it got rid of some of the chubbiness...
I still exercise regularly, as well as eating things I shouldn't. I've grown out of the puppy fat and know what it is to eat sensibly, even if I don't always do so. And the reason - my upbringing. My parents brought me up to eat well (employing the harsh but fair, "If you don't eat what you're given you don't eat" dictum) and run around outdoors ("Go and climb a tree or something, you").
The government has already seen that forced healthy meals does not go down well. A better policy would be an expanded physical education programme and appealing to lardy arsed parents to get their sprogs out in the sunshine once in a while.
We might be a nation of fatties but, to Manchester's fury, perhaps not a nation of gamblers. Well done for scrapping the super-casino Mr Brown, shame we're still going to end up with mini versions, whether we like it or not.
Despite the contracts and jobs that arise from these ventures I do not think that gambling should be encouraged in Britain. In the light of all our other vices (see above) it's an aborrent idea. We're a dependant, cheap thrill seeking, consumer culture, how will a profligacy of legal gambling joints help this?
Wednesday, 11 July 2007
Controversial stuff
Disclaimer - due to a lack of inspiration and direction today's post is going to be horribly narrow minded and right wing. Sorry if I offend anyone.
Yesterday 62 year-old Zheng Xiaoyu was executed by his government on corruption charges after serving as the head of China's State Food and Drug Administration (SFDA).
The former minister for product safety allegedly took around $800,000 in bribes to approve dodgy and/or untested items. Zheng's execution was ordered after a spate of export scandals including antifreeze in toothpaste, lead paint on toys, lethal pet food (killing thousands of American animals) and low quality drugs.
Despite confessing to his crimes the Peoples Republic showed no mercy, choosing to make a political example of Zheng and send a clear message to the world that corruption (in this public agency, anyway) will not be tolerated, especially in light of recent failings and with the approach of next year's Olympics in Beijing.
US Senator Chuck Schumer responded by saying: "If China thinks that its issues with food and product safety are going to be fixed with these types of executions, it shows how much they just don't get it."
Zheng's death was undoubtedly motivated by more than China's global reputation. This incident follows a period of infighting and jurisdictional chaos amidst the country's standardising bodies. Zheng was disposed of because he annoyed colleagues, involved himself in illegal dealings that caused untold damage to both humans and animals and because he made his country look bad. (It is estimated that around 300 million Chinese people are made ill each year by unchecked products).
I thoroughly believe in capital punishment for deserving cases (cold blooded murderers, paedophiles, terrorists, mime artists etc...) but we don't do that sort of thing here. Where Sen Schumer comes from they do, however the US death penalty is for extreme criminals, not politicians, and often takes years to enforce. At least the Chinese conduct swift justice.
Let me be clear, I do not condone the use of the death penalty for corrupt politicians like Mr Zheng but Chinese culture does and though I do not agree with the action taken I can, I think, understand it.
Speaking for the SFDA Ms Yan Jiangying gave an honest overview of China's regulatory problems, outlining why the organisation had been failing and the urgent need for improvement. The official openly admitted her department's flaws and made suggestions for its improvement. Regarding Zheng's execution she said that his behaviour was deeply shameful, enough said.
It appears the Chinese still have a sense of shame, which is, perhaps, more than we can boast.
Right, back to American senators. Reading about Senator David Vitter - involved with the infamous "DC Madam" Deborah Jeane Palfrey - in the British press, I'm amazed, as ever, by the power of religion. In response to the disclosure of his illicit dealings Mr Vitter said:
"This was a very serious sin in my past. I asked for and received forgiveness from God and my wife in confession and marriage counselling. Out of respect for my family, I will keep my discussion of the matter there - with God and them."
God may have forgiven Mr Vitter but he neglected to notify Ms Palfrey, it would seem.
Yesterday 62 year-old Zheng Xiaoyu was executed by his government on corruption charges after serving as the head of China's State Food and Drug Administration (SFDA).
The former minister for product safety allegedly took around $800,000 in bribes to approve dodgy and/or untested items. Zheng's execution was ordered after a spate of export scandals including antifreeze in toothpaste, lead paint on toys, lethal pet food (killing thousands of American animals) and low quality drugs.
Despite confessing to his crimes the Peoples Republic showed no mercy, choosing to make a political example of Zheng and send a clear message to the world that corruption (in this public agency, anyway) will not be tolerated, especially in light of recent failings and with the approach of next year's Olympics in Beijing.
US Senator Chuck Schumer responded by saying: "If China thinks that its issues with food and product safety are going to be fixed with these types of executions, it shows how much they just don't get it."
Zheng's death was undoubtedly motivated by more than China's global reputation. This incident follows a period of infighting and jurisdictional chaos amidst the country's standardising bodies. Zheng was disposed of because he annoyed colleagues, involved himself in illegal dealings that caused untold damage to both humans and animals and because he made his country look bad. (It is estimated that around 300 million Chinese people are made ill each year by unchecked products).
I thoroughly believe in capital punishment for deserving cases (cold blooded murderers, paedophiles, terrorists, mime artists etc...) but we don't do that sort of thing here. Where Sen Schumer comes from they do, however the US death penalty is for extreme criminals, not politicians, and often takes years to enforce. At least the Chinese conduct swift justice.
Let me be clear, I do not condone the use of the death penalty for corrupt politicians like Mr Zheng but Chinese culture does and though I do not agree with the action taken I can, I think, understand it.
Speaking for the SFDA Ms Yan Jiangying gave an honest overview of China's regulatory problems, outlining why the organisation had been failing and the urgent need for improvement. The official openly admitted her department's flaws and made suggestions for its improvement. Regarding Zheng's execution she said that his behaviour was deeply shameful, enough said.
It appears the Chinese still have a sense of shame, which is, perhaps, more than we can boast.
Right, back to American senators. Reading about Senator David Vitter - involved with the infamous "DC Madam" Deborah Jeane Palfrey - in the British press, I'm amazed, as ever, by the power of religion. In response to the disclosure of his illicit dealings Mr Vitter said:
"This was a very serious sin in my past. I asked for and received forgiveness from God and my wife in confession and marriage counselling. Out of respect for my family, I will keep my discussion of the matter there - with God and them."
God may have forgiven Mr Vitter but he neglected to notify Ms Palfrey, it would seem.
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