The Fishbowl

An sorry state of affairs

2007-10-01T13:12:00.000+01:00

I haven't blogged in over a month....I wouldn't not have thought such a sorry, lazy state of affairs possible.

(Ok, ok, of course I would. But previously I had hoped to be blogging come rain or shine - I appear to be nothing but a fair weather blogger....How awful.)

I've got a year older, been on holiday, started a new job and had my heart kicked around a bit...Those are my excuses for lazyness and I'm sticking to them. Hrumph.

I'm aiming to pull my socks up and bounce back into the blogosphere any day now - in the meantime, keep up the stirling work guys....

All the best - Em

What's your favourite biscuit?

2007-08-28T16:16:00.000+01:00

Good weekend? I hope everybody made the most of the bank holiday sun here in Blighty...I went jumping, saw family, played pool, drank Pimms, took in some local art and had a thoroughly splendid few days. Even better, I didn't have to go into work today. Ahhhh.

You would think that having a week off work (well, between jobs) would set my blogging senses a-tingling. The sad fact is that, faced with all this free time, I'd rather catch up with friends, read a good book and sit on my rump watching movies...Am I a bad person?

Lazy I may be but there's no rest for the wicked, even my lethargy gets interrupted....Some may wonder why I called my blog "The Fishbowl". I live in a rather picturesque village in Cambridgeshire, opposite an old church and just down the road from charming village square (and requisite pub, of course). Anyway all this wholesome ruralness brings hundreds of tourists to the area and every summer the nearby campsite is heaving with people. And they all end up walking past my living room (not to mention nicking my parking....). It's like a bloody goldfish bowl in here at the minute. This, coupled with my next door neighbour's apparently insatiable fetish for DIY means I almost wish I was back at work, if only for the peace and quiet.

I had to go and sort out some bank stuff today. My first stop was to ask for an overdraft on my current account (I'm due to go on holiday soon and do not trust myself with a credit card but thought I should have some contingency in case of an emergency). I duly prepared a story about why I wanted an overdraft and made sure to take my recent offer letter in order to show Mr Bankman that I was an upstanding young lady, a sensible (and above all frugal) specimen soon to be in full-time employment. All for nothing. The cashier supplied me with with the smallest available overdraft in under a minute, whilst making sure to remind me that I could borrow another couple of grand in the blink of an eye, "No problem madam". No wonder we Brit's are all wallowing in debt, its so easy to take the plunge.

Hmm, all this wrangling over the EU treaty....Even a significant number of Brown's buddies don't like the fact that the Great British public are to be denied their democratic rights over Europe (as the issue currently stands). I do not know enough about the proposals to start foaming at the mouth but the thought that my fellow countrymen who do (know about the treaty I mean, as opposed to foam) will just be dismissed out of hand is somewhat disturbing.

According to Liverpudlian research many single portions of takeaway and restaurant cuisine, including fish and chips, pizza, Chinese and Indians, contain more calories than the recommended amount for an entire day. Trading standards are now thinking about making establishments list the calorific and nutritional value of their food. Good grief, we all know that this kind of food is high in everything that's bad for us, hence why it tastes so good and we're prepared to have somebody else prepare it for us and pay accordingly. What would become of romance on a date if, whilst you order that mouth-watering meat feast, all your partner has to do is glance at the menu to work out how many pounds you'll be piling on? Yuck...

During my final day at work last week some of my colleagues poked fun at the nice lady in accounts who, of all the munches in all the world, prefers a good ole custard cream..."They're alright when you're a kid but they're a bit naff now aren't they?". Well Mandy, you're not alone. The custard cream has been voted the nation's favourite biscuit in a survey taken by manufacturers Trufree. A whopping 93 per cent of those asked (some 7,000 biscuit lovers) voted for it, with the bourbon, cookie and gingernut picking up the rear...What's your favourite biscuit? (I'm a glutton for the underrated chocolate digestive myself).

Camel love - again

2007-08-22T11:11:00.000+01:00

What d'ya know.....The Simpsons are in the dictionary, Facebook's the new crack (ok, so you knew that...) and ditch that old Peruvian fertility statue - its all about the camels...

The current edition of the Oxford Dictionary of Modern Quotations, out today, features three top pulls from the show:

"Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is never try." Homer Simpson.

"Kids are the best, Apu. You can teach them to hate the things you hate. And they practically raise themselves, what with the internet and all." Homer Simpson.

"Bonjour, you cheese-eating surrender monkeys". Groundskeeper Willie.

Words of wisdom/appropriate salutations for all...

According to IT security firm Sophos, nearly half of all office staff are prohibited from using the social networking site Facebook during working hours. Unsurprisingly, a number of banks have now reportedly banned their workers from using the site.

I am a prolific Facebook user and as a result I tend to agree with these professional misgivings. You can happily waste a few hours of your life browsing through other peoples photo albums and looking up old friends/colleagues...Not to mention the dizzying multitude of silly applications to play with. (I'm ecstatic after discovering online Scrabble). No wonder employers are banning it - if you're not careful (and you have enough friends, of course) you might not been seen for days after logging on.

The pro argument is that Facebook proves a valuable work tool - networking businesses as well as casual acquaintances. Uh huh. Apparently companies are split over allowing access to the site (viz. those already on Facebook vs the uninitiated and unwashed).

Graham Cluley from Sophos said: "Some believe it to be a procrastinator's paradise, while others either view it as a valuable networking tool or are too nervous of an employee backlash if they suddenly block it."

Now there's a thought....Should work be so cruel as to ban 'Crackbook' then you know what to do...Workers of the world unite!

Finally Indian farmer Nanu Ram Jogi is on his 21st child - at the sprightly age of 90. The go-getting nonagenarian has four wives and has lost count of the number of grandchildren he has, yet vows to continue fathering kids until he's 100. Jogi puts his virility down to exercise, red meat and a daily dose of camel's milk. There you have it - if you desire a similar brood and wish to over-populate our crowded planet just that little bit more then four wives and a lactating dromedary should do it.

Skinny celebs and climate change

2007-08-21T13:06:00.000+01:00

Keira Knightley has been gabbing away to the Radio Times about fame, public image and her acting skills. Back on cinema screens soon in September, Knightley gave a frank review of her acting skills (dubious) and railed against popular opinion about her good looks. She said: "Somebody goes, 'Gosh, you're pretty.' Thanks. I've got good genes! OK, I'm on the cover of a magazine but somebody else does the hair, and the make-up, and airbrushes the f*** out of me".

All this self degradation does wonders for her image as a straight talking siren amidst a sea of pampered Hollywood divas, I'm sure. Nothing against the lovely lady (she's only famous, thin, beautiful, rich - all at the same age as me...) but I find it hard to take someone this emaciated seriously....

James is musing over the merits of last weeks Climate Change Camp and asks whether it was really worth the effort...I'm on the fence as far as global warming goes. Our fossil fuel emissions may or may not be doing irreversible harm to the planet...But either way I believe in respecting our rock and trying to do our bit - recycling, sharing lifts etc.. - to make it a nicer place. Look at Beijing, covered in smog thanks to human pollution...

(Yeah yeah, I know, if I REALLY cared about the Earth I'd stop jumping out of planes for fun...mm).

Anyway, these letters into the Telegraph made me smile:

Sir - I fail to see why I should be forced to pay an extra tax on my holiday flights simply because there has been a change in solar activity.

Dr P. J. Lane, London.

Sir - Isn't it ludicrous to see people wearing anoraks and woolly hats in the middle of summer while protesting about global warming?

Professor Stanley Feldman, London SW3.

When I grow up I want to be a culinary artist

2007-08-21T11:10:00.000+01:00

Education, education, education. A topic rarely out of the press right now, not because of Labour's triumphant reforms but because primary school children are struggling to read, write and add up, yet their older brothers and sisters are leaving compulsory education with top marks. The Government expects these school leavers to go on to university to study for another three years - any university, any type of study, because, as we all know, higher education is a sign of success and the more graduates of higher education the more successful Labour's educational policy.

Hmm. Despite my criticisms, as a product of the comprehensive system and a university education all this talk about dumbed down schooling makes me feel a little uneasy - if A/A* grade students are not as smart as they seem, what does that say about average Joe's like me? I have always been a "B grade" student - enthusiastic and happy to learn and put in academic effort but too often seduced by other activities throughout my education (boys, sport or beer) to slog away for the top grade. But I don't consider myself or my contemporaries stupid or unworthy of their qualifications.

Enough self justification - I took a history degree, worked hard and enjoyed it. If I was leaving school now, however, maybe my choice would be different. I quite fancy the look of Science: Fiction and Culture or Martial Arts and Adventure Tourism. These are two of the "mickey mouse" degrees currently taught in our universities that have come under fire from the TaxPayers' Alliance. (Both of which would probably have about as much chance of landing me a job as my history degree). Token subjects they may be but they suit both the universities' and the Government's needs. The rub being that, according the Alliance, these courses are subsidised by £40 million pa of tax payers money.

I'm all for vocational training instead of further education. University is not for everyone (even if the Government says it it) and experience really is the best way to learn a trade. But it is ingrained in Britain's school culture that a degree is a must-have badge of superiority and this needs to be revised. In the meantime us lowly arts students look forward to battling it out with the Equestrian Psychology and Golf Management grads out there in the real world.

Never smile at a camel

2007-08-20T12:07:00.000+01:00

And you thought next door's Jack Russell was bad...

I'm as much a glutton for scandal and tat as the next Torygraph reader and have to admit to raising a smirk (heartless wench, I know) at today's unfortunate report (and equally unfortunate headline), "Pet camel kills woman 'trying to have sex'".

An unnamed Australian woman was crushed to death by her 330lbs camel, given to her as a birthday present as the lady was apparently fond of foreign beasts. The animal knocked her to the ground, lay on top of her and, one can only assume, exerted itself. Camel experts have advised police that it was most likely trying to mate with the poor woman.

While I have every sympathy for the lady's family let that be a lesson to adventurous animal lovers - you might want to stick to hamsters in the future (oh, and never smile at a camel...).

Deprived dromedary seeks durable hump.

I want the name of Pete Doherty's publicity agent so I can make a complaint against them for wasting police time. Bobbies - for goodness sake, either incarcerate the chap and force him to clean himself up or leave him be, editors - stop wasting copy space on the same old transgressions.

I was genuinely shocked on Saturday morning to read of the passing of Bill Deedes at the ripe old age of 94. I remember being in awe after learning that the witty diarist I so enjoyed was in his nineties, thinking, 'he's made it this far, surely he'll go on forever'. I shan't go overboard on detail, anyone wishing to learn more about this true 'giant of journalism' should pop over to the DT and read through some of the articles and letters left in tribute to Dear Bill. Relic of a bygone era he was often antisocial and intimatly awkward - though despite his faults he will be remembered as for the astute, funny journalist and compassionate humanitarian that he was, with a seriously good innings to boot. He will be sadly missed and should remain an inspiration to us all.

What a wonderful world

2007-08-17T13:27:00.000+01:00

A survey by Virgin Travel Insurance has revealed what the rest of us know to be true (deep down in our souls): British holidaymakers are a load of uncultured, ungrateful dolts when they want to be (that's right, I mean you Mr Socks-and-sandals).

Thousands of British tourists were asked about their visits to well-known attractions and rated domestic and worldwide let-downs as follows...

The most disappointing global sights:

1. The Eiffel Tower - "frustratingly overcrowded and overpriced"
2. The Louvre (Mona Lisa)
3. Times Square
4. Las Ramblas, Spain
5. Statue of Liberty
6. Spanish Steps, Rome
7. The White House
8. The Pyramids, Egypt
9. The Brandenburg Gate, Germany
10. The Leaning Tower of Pisa

I've only seen three of these - Times Square, the Statue of Liberty and the Eiffel Tower (oh and the Brandenburg Gate when I was too young to care) but I disagree with the scorn that's been heaped upon them. The Eiffel Tower remains an iconic French symbol because of its great shape and its impressive architecture and history. But be realistic - its a symmetrical iron monument, not a fairground ride.

Times Square? Again what do you expect? A busy thoroughfare, it's packed with bustling New Yorkers going to-and-fro, fifteen gazillion McDonald's and a forest skyscrapers and neon advertising - I was impressed, it's like Piccadilly but a damn sight cleaner.

The Statue of Liberty is my only concession - on the outside it's still impressive, like the Eiffel Tower, a testament to French design and craftsmanship. However like many a dumb tourist I decided to climb up it. Don't bother - two hours stuck on staircase inside a hot metal object with hundreds of sweaty tourists certainly is disappointing.

And the UKs most dismal attractions:

1. Stonehenge - "just a load of old rocks"
2. The Angel of the North
3. Blackpool Tower
4. Lands' End
5. The Princess Diana Memorial Fountain
6. The London Eye
7. Brighton Pier
8. Buckingham Palace
9. The White Cliffs of Dover
10. Big Ben.

Again, those 'sights' that I've seen around our great isle I have appreciated for their historical/cultural/structural value...A load of old rocks indeed! Sections of the standing stones of Stonhenge are estimated to be around 4,000 years old and though we're none the wiser as to the monument's purpose it still looks funky...

I was sceptical about the London Eye before gazing upon it (because it is, after all, just a giant fairground ride...) but have reformed my opinion in light of its smooth design (and sheer size) and the fact that it looks so distinctive/hip in the London sprawl...

Buckingham Palace and Big Ben...Er...These are two structures which embody our country's very special political character - monarchy and parliamentary rule. But at the end of the day what do you expect of buildings? The Palace has always served for the monarchy and the clock still tells the time - I don't think the designers had London's teeming tourism trade in mind when they concieved either edifice...

And Lands' End and the White Cliffs of Dover..? They're geographical landmarks for goodness sake - blame nature for your disappointment...

I think this 'disappointment' is really our own fault - high expectations without any education about the place in question. Maybe if people took the time to learn about where they are, they might appreciate the view a little more....But Brits will always find a load of old rocks in Borobudur far more interesting than a load of old rocks back home because they're "exotic, innit?" and they've had to spend thousands of pounds and fly thousands of miles to get there...(but I bet you just can't get a good egg and chips....).

The most annoying thing in the world

2007-08-16T10:37:00.000+01:00

We've all been there...You've had the mother of bad days at work/school/uni and want nothing more than the sweet surrender of sleep. Just as you're nodding off to satisfying dreams of bludgeoning the boss next door cranks up the tunes. Three hours later and Cliff Richard/Sepulchura/Mr Blobby lyrics are etched behind your eyelids and that same track is not getting any better for the 80th listen. The bloody image of your boss has now been replaced by visions of garroting your next-door neighbour.

Noise pollution/disruption is becoming a growing problem in this country - one that many people are either too polite/scared to tackle (especially if it involves their immediate neighbours). It's heartening to hear about someone fighting back....

Brian Turner was grassed up to Newcastle-upon-Tyne's night watch team by an exasperated neighbour after playing the same song on repeat, at full volume, between the hours of one and four am. Bizarrely enough his chosen serenade - early one May morning - was Last Christmas by Wham! Who wouldn't have cracked? Turner has now been fined £200 and ordered to pay £215 damages.

I have every sympathy for those who have to suffer such torture (often on a nightly basis) - and make no mistake, it is torture. There were stories a few years ago of occupying allied troops forcing Afghans and Iraqis to listen to heavy metal - namely Metallica - to divulge their secrets. The magical irony of music is that one man's Wham! can be another man's Mozart - if I was sat down and made to listen to Metallica for hours I'd be rocking out!

No...my torment came in quite another form (give me James Hetfield any day) - the vile burpings and bleepings of the "most annoying thing in the world", 2005s Crazy Frog....

I made the mistake in my second year of university of living with two girls who, despite outward appearances, were actually obnoxious harpies masquerading as human beings (bitter....me?). They played the Axel F track repeatedly, on max volume, on my sound system (hence the bitterness, I had stupidly offered up my stereo for communal use). When I asked for them to turn it down I was ignored and told to "F**k off" (viz, obnoxious harpies). I honestly thought I was going to go mad listening to that garbage morning, noon and night. They played it so loudly that people from the end of the street came knocking to ask them to turn it down.

Eventually they got bored and I moved out. But still, if I had my way inconsiderate pigs of this ilk would be blindfolded, deprived of sleep AND food and made to listen to their favourite dirges over and over until they show sufficient signs of repentance (i.e. screaming for the end, mewling for their mothers etc...).

Getting back to reality....slowly...

2007-08-15T09:53:00.000+01:00

Alright, now I feel guilty for not blogging for the past few days but in my defence I've been distracted, consumed by adrenaline. I spent the weekend jumping out of planes, which was nice (apart from one silly landing which resulted in a rather sore shin and a grass coloured jumpsuit - stylish) and the remainder of my waking hours on tenterhooks waiting to hear back after a job interview (yes, that's right, a real, grown up job that I actually want...Stop sniggering at the back there...).

Excuse this lazy, mish-mash of a post - its mid week but my head's still up in the clouds...

47 year-old family man Garry Newlove was beaten to death by a bunch of delinquents outside his own home last week. We all found this news heartbreaking but not, I fear, surprising. No right-minded, law abiding, paid up (ahem) member of society could feel anything but anger that such a tragic outcome resulted from the hands of violent teenage morons. I'm angry, so I'll happily call them scum. Telegraph columnist Jan Moir doesn't stoop to my level but she comes close, echoing the frustration of her countrymen in a very emotive comment piece in today's paper.

In the light of Mr Newlove's death Chief Constable Peter Fahy (Cheshire) has called for parents to get their act together, for the price of alcohol to be increased (booze being an undisputed catalyst for yobbish behaviour) and the legal drinking age upped to 21. Most importantly he suggests that drinking in public, on the streets, be criminalised. Sound advice. Meanwhile the Government has ordered (another) policy review - this time of the 24-hour drinking law (Mr Brown's getting very good at reviewing previous Labour initiatives and making sure everybody knows about it...).

Ms Moir ends her article in referance to the killing, saying: " Citizens have got to be better protected from the murderous instincts of these roaming, vile brutes than this, but where do we start?". I suggest that instead of being handed ASBOs these young criminals should be disciplined in a time-honoured, tried and tested fashion. I'd like to hear a good argument against reinstating national service (who needs human rights and freedom of choice anyway..?). Her Majesty's forces will look after you lads....

After all, where else will these senseless leeches be put to good use (in the short term)?

They might win the lottery of course...Like one very lucky postal worker from Glasgow. Single mum Angela Kelly, 40, scooped £35.4 million in last weeks EuroMillions draw and will reportedly be saying a firm fairwell to her 21k nine to five. Who could blame her and who cares if money "changes" her? She's bound to behave differently to some degree, she's loaded - have fun lady...

What would you do if you became a millionaire overnight?

Friday fun

2007-08-10T14:28:00.000+01:00

A couple of pics that I've thieved off the net for your amusement....

I just thought that this baby hyena, from Cerza conservation park, France, was too darned cute...

A piece of graffiti mysteriously left on St Michaels Hill, Bristol, attributed to one Mr Banksy (he might be a sell out but he's still on the money...)

The grapes of wrath/stonking hangovers

2007-08-10T13:26:00.000+01:00

Lager sales are falling as hip, cool and trendy Britons refine their tastes, market analysts Mintel confirm today. Since 2005 lager sales have fallen by five per cent, whereas sales of rose wine are up 188 per cent on two years ago.

According to Mintel and fellow prognosticators, beer with continue to fall out of favour with the Great British public as young working women see wine as more sophisticated.

Yuck. I can't think of a less tantalising tipple. Many people have a particular poison that, to them, is just that (everyone remembers when Johnny - or someone like him - challenged his mates to a Raiders style tequila contest and ended up being copiously sick, he hasn't touched the stuff since...). Mine happens to be rose wine. I was 17 and stupid, staying round a friend's for the night when we found the stash of wine her parents brought back from Spain. After polishing off three bottles between us we stayed up all night setting the world to rights (as only teenagers can) got about four hours sleep and woke up with well earned hangovers and carpeted mouths (have I mentioned my carpet gnome theory...? He works while you are sleeping...). Now even a whiff of rose makes me pale, can't stand it.

I would do anything for a drink, to paraphrase Meatloaf, but I won't do that. Give me a nice glass of Merlot or an IPA any day.

Losing weight is hard to do....

2007-08-09T10:06:00.000+01:00

I read yesterday that the NHS spends just under £1 million every single week on prescription weight loss drugs. Crazy. Every day the cost a furnished house (up North) is spent on getting people to eat a little less.

I lump smoking and over eating in the same category. Both are psychological problems and any health issues that arise as a result are the fault of the individual. I've both smoked and binged my eyeballs out in the past, however, should I be diagnosed with cancer (possible) or morbid obesity (less likely) later in life I'd like to think I will not rely on welfare (aka others hard earned taxes) - easier said than done, I know. But it's been my choice to fill my body with poisons and fat, it should be seen as my responsibility when life then goes tits up as a consequence of my own stupidity.

Food is becoming just as pernicious as smoking - doctors have already made noises about taxing unhealthy food but to no avail. People don't need to smoke whereas they do need to eat - and who has the authority to dictate whether they tuck into a chicken salad or a KFC chicken bucket? (I do think no VAT/lower prices on healthy food is a sensible policy though) But eating healthily/less is not unrealistic for overweight people - it just takes change in the way they view food and a little faith.

At the end of 2005 18 year-old Daniel Sadler from South Glamorgan weighed a mega 26 stone. After a year and a half of eating sensibly he's managed to loose an astonishing 13 stone! Daniel's gone from a diet of full English breakfasts, pizzas and chips (not to mention the whopping 24 bags of crisps he consumed each day) to salads and jacket potatoes to help shift the weight, along with playing more sport. He's now been awarded £2,000 by Slimming World and named Young Slimmer of 2007. An added bonus, he's also getting noticed by the ladies.

If an 18 year-old lad can pull his socks up and manage to drop half his own body weight surely every other overweight fatty out there can make some effort. Nice one Daniel.

101 things to do with trees

2007-08-09T09:06:00.000+01:00

What comes into your mind when you think Tory? Scarily, the first thing I think of is the Spitting Image puppet of Margaret Thatcher...It traumatised me as a child....Closely followed by Mr Cameron's vaguely smiling mug (Brand Dave has done a pretty good job of fixing him in the middle class consciousness, at least).

I think blue, I think of miners and philanderers and all these historical images of Conservative highs and lows flash behind my eyes. I don't, however, think of the new Tory logo, a "bunch of broccoli" as Lord Tebbit put it. Before reading about it in today's DT I'd forgotten what the logo actually looked like (thinking instead of the traditional flaming torch).

The environmental symbol/kiddie's doodle has changed with the seasons, turning gold in autumn and bearing blossom in spring and now it's gone blue. Earlier in the week the Tory tree was unveiled in it's new sky blue guise and rumours are now rife that the move was made to woo hardliners back into the fold.

What a load of speculative rubbish...As if embittered Tories give a monkeys what the party logo looks like (they're too busy off in a dark corner somewhere, plotting Dave's ultimate humiliation). The Conservative marketing team were just bored/pissed over lunch and thought this version looked pretty. I actually think the sunlight and sky background is quite pleasant and has instant appeal (viz, look at that clear blue sky, I wish I was jumping). I doubt they had skydivers in mind when they chose it though. No doubt it'll serve as a springboard for criticism however, "Dave's got his head in the clouds" etc...A change may well be as good as a rest but come on chaps, you need to regain some initiative not break out the crayons.

More than meets the eye

2007-08-07T11:05:00.000+01:00

I went to go and see Transformers last night....After a couple of technical hiccups - the projectionist decided to treat us all to the trailers and first five minutes of Shrek 3 (nearly loosing a couple of limbs as a result of his incompetence, we were impatient) - my brain spent a couple of hours in complete shut down.

Wow.

I never watched the cartoons or bought the toys - way before my time (the tv series was out in 1984, I was born the following year) - but have managed to pick up the gist from my cohort of geeky male friends. It's about a bunch of alien robots who can transform into vehicles and other objects, some of whom are good (Autobots), some of whom are evil and want to destroy the human race (Decepticons). Simple stuff. I was, however, still sceptical that a load of Citroen rejects could hold my attention for a whole feature (and Shia La Beouf looks about 12 for goodness sake...). Boy was I wrong.

There's little to say apart from you must see this film. The plot is a load of rubbish and the characterisation is 2D and predictable - and I didn't care one jot. The first half of the film is funny nonetheless and the second half sheer eye candy....

The CGI, courtesy of good old ILM, is astounding. Absolutely gobsmacking. Both Autobots and Decepticons look, sound and feel real. The character development may be rushed and the Autobots' dialogue limited but by the end of the film you're rooting for the heroic Optimus Prime and his gang because of their stoicism (and the fact that they look so damned real)...I fell in love with Bumblebee and the hunk of metal doesn't talk for most of the film (and I've always hated Chevy's....).

The military kit is equally impressive - there are a shed load of very real, very shiny toys to feast your eyes on, from Osprey choppers, F-117s, F-22 Raptors, Hercs - the lot.

Don't go and see Transformers expecting an award winning screenplay but don't write it off as a kids movie either. There's plenty of adult humour to keep mum and dad chuckling in between the action.

In short, a decent family movie with adult undertones (global responsibility etc..) that is visually awesome. If you can't appreciate this movie for it's theatricals go crawl back under your rock - you don't deserve the gift of sight.

As I walked out into the afternoon sun and got into my car I couldn't help wishing there was something more to my Clio than meets the eye - ah, the magic of cinema. (Then reality kicked in, Transformers actually have taste....)

Moooooooo

2007-08-06T11:28:00.000+01:00

Unlike those decent souls who feel the need to absolve themselves (not everyone's a cantankerous dwarf like me, believe it or not - James has been having an crisis of conscience recently) I have no virtuous reason for not blogging as much over the past couple of weeks - I have simply been doing other things (like moping about my personal life, fervently job hunting and jumping out of planes).

After months of depressingly damp weather we've just a weekend of scorching heat. I now resemble a rock lobster with third degree burns and would appreciate being left in a pool somewhere to cool down.

I hope everyone enjoyed themselves. I was sat on a drop zone hoping to skydive, amidst the honking wind. Not one to be disheartened, when I did jump I cracked out my new freefly jumpsuit for a giggle - the height of haute couture, my new suit is head to toe cow print. After someone questioned whether I was allowed to roam given recent events I had to point out that the foot and mouth ban applied to ruminants on the ground - the muppets at DeFRA neglected to consider the possibility of free falling livestock - ha! Catch me now boys!

I am not the religious type and often relish in ribbing the more ridiculous antics of organised faiths (see below) but now I'm getting a tad twitchy....Floods, plagues, what next? When's that nice bloke with the beard and the sandals coming over?

Wheels and spin

2007-08-02T10:05:00.000+01:00

Is it a bird? Is it a plane? Is it a raging bull...? No, it's only Boris....But wait - where's his bike?

The kooky contender for Ken's crown has written a lovely piece in today's DT detailing the recent theft of his trusty bicycle and subsequent frustration with the authorities.

I have no doubt the incident was simply a case of bad fortune but you've got to admit, Boris is doing a good job of appealing to prospective voters (he's especially hot on transport as it is). The London cyclist is now a social stereotype all of its own...(and barmy if you ask me...but good one them).

Sympathetic as I am to the loss of Mr Johnson's speedy silver Marin Sausalito after he went to such lengths to secure it, that's what you get for leaving a £700 bike on the streets of the smoke, mate. I doubt you'll see it on eBay anytime soon.

However, I'd be more than happy to proffer Boris my own bike if he's desperate. It's still functional after 12 years of childhood knocks and rural abuse and comes in a rather fetching shade of cerise pink.

Elsewhere in the Torygraph Alice Thomson has given an excellent summary of wee Gordon's public image. I think she's spot on here - our stoic PM has done a splendid job branding himself without doing much politically. Despite announcing a raft of reviews into society's vices I'm yet to find enlightenment in the Governments housing/education/health agenda. But whereas David Cameron has been all spun out, Mr Brown's busy winding himself up tight into the paradigm of stuffy virtue.

If Gordon would only let loose and tell the English public exactly what he thinks of them, I'd furnish him with a lifetime's supply of nice blue ties to wear.

Playing God

2007-08-01T09:14:00.000+01:00

Next time you shoot through Wal-Mart to pick up some ammo (ha, sorry) don't forget to get a little something for the kids. The American retailer will soon be stocking Biblical toys in a bid to rival Barbie, Bratz and a swathe of superhero favourites.

The toys, manufactured by West coast company One2Believe, will be marketed in the South and Midwest US, appealing to the religious right. Figures include Jesus, Noah, Moses, Goliath and Mary (pictured below with Joseph and the infant Christ, who, disturbingly, reminds me of Chucky....).

David Socha, One2Believe's CEO, is touting the dolls as "real superheroes", laying heavy criticism on popular competitors. "If you walk down the toy aisles you see a lot of reproductions of Satan, or dolls that promote promiscuity", he said.

I'm no big fan of some of the tat on today's shelves - Bratz dolls are quite possibly the work of the Devil - however Mr Socha's figures represent a small, well-known collective of Biblical characters (sorry, reproductions of historical figures, ahem) - where are the Delilahs and the Jezebels...?

I've got nothing against the range - they'll answer the prayers of many a God-fearing child or concerned parent. But surely, in a kid's mind, its only so long before playing Daniel and the lion gets boring and the lion fancies a spot of lunch. "Faith-enriching toys" they may be but even good Christian children have an imagination - I'll wager it won't be long before Noah falls overboard, Mary gets a haircut (or ritual decapitation), or Samson (below) goes in search of some superhero arse to kick. Samson vs. Spidey, who's your money on?

Blue skies at last...

2007-07-31T10:49:00.001+01:00

Woohoo, the weather's cleared up, lets go skydiving...Didn't post anything yesterday as a took the day off work to go jumping, which was nice.

I'm afraid this rant won't be much interest to non-jumpers/pilots but I have to vent...I've just read an article in the Guardian regarding a plane crash that happened a few years ago at a UK drop zone. A small Cessna took off from Dunkeswell airfield in Devon but soon experienced engine problems and was forced to make a crash landing. Sadly the pilot and three of the load's jumpers died on impact.

A pet hate of mine is badly written skydiving stories, many of which show the sport in a bad light in order to make good copy. This piece initially praises the action of Major Mike Wills, an experienced tandem instructor who shielded his passenger (sorry, "student") when the plane hit the ground, sacrificing his own life for his student. It then goes on to cover the current inquest into the crash and whether or not the drop zone was negligent in sending the plane up in the first place.

Right, please bear in mind that this is a load of wild guess work and bitching on my part (that's half the fun of blogging though, isn't it?) and I've never jumped at Dunkeswell so I can't comment on their procedures. However I have an issue with the inquest write up, namely one Mr Robin Prisk, "witness".

Mr Prisk said on record, "I noticed the pilot did no external checks at all. He just got in and took off. I have done two or three hundred jumps and the pilot nearly always checks the aircraft first."

Now what this statement and the article itself does not make clear is whether that fated take off was the first lift of the day. If so, the plane should get checked over, the same goes after a re-fuel, when the plane's on the ground for an extended period.

Now unlike Mr Prisk I have not done "two or three hundred" jumps (86 as of yesterday) but I have been around drop zones all my life and therefore feel I have some authority with which to label this man a complete pillock;

1) External checks? It was an internal engine failure you idiot. As for external problems I think the pilot would've noticed if a wing had broken or the propeller had fallen off.

2) "The pilot nearly always checks the aircraft first". Where the hell have you been jumping mate? Skydiving is a busy industry - plane goes up, people get out, plane comes down, repeat (until plane needs more juice, then re-fuel). As stated above, we don't know at what stage in the day the pilot, 52 year-old Paul Norman, took over the plane but he may have been relieving another pilot between lifts, if so there would have been no time (or reason) for Mr Norman to check the plane. He would have just got in an got on with it. If it was the first flight of the day the plane should have had the relevant checks (perhaps not by Mr Norman) - I can't believe it didn't.

3) "Two or three hundred jumps". Uh huh, my arse. Don't you know how many jumps you've done Mr Prisk? You may have noticed I know exactly how many I've done (even when I'm unsure I know to the nearest ten) - because skydivers have to record every jump they do. Experienced skydivers with thousands of jumps can be excused vague jump numbers. Novices cannot. When you're starting out in the sport 100 jumps is a lot and the difference between 200 and 300 is quite important. This guy couldn't even be bothered to check his logbook before giving evidence in official proceedings....

I could go on but you will have lost the will to live by now. Any thoughts would be appreciated (especially if there are any pilots/jumpers out there who can correct me if I'm being unduly harsh) and you must have come across people like Mr Prisk in their line of work/hobby?

I always wanted to go into space...

2007-07-27T09:21:00.000+01:00

Two days away from the blogosphere and I'm at a loss....I just don't have the energy at the minute to talk about the weather (still damp) or the Government (still there) so I'll construct a frivolous Friday post instead.

According to a couple of science journals NASA has been letting its astronauts boldly go where a few men (and women) have gone before - lathered.

A review was ordered after space cadet Lisa Nowak flew whilst intoxicated and then assaulted a fellow astronaut's girlfriend. An independent panel found that there had been two further instances of inebriation before missions (it is not known whether they involved Mrs Nowak). Now a space shuttle's an intricate, expensive piece of kit, I'm struggling to fathom why on Earth (ha, or not) you'd want to try and fly one whilst drunk...Is space really that dismal or did they just drink because they could? Mind you, it's not like they posed a risk to other orbital users - I wonder if the US Government can up its own insurance...?

Three Lib Dem councillors in Bideford, Devon have left their party in protest after the appointment of a new colleague, 34 year-old Myrna Bushell, who, aside from her political activism, also happens to be a stripper. Looks like a case of sour grapes to me. I realise that Mrs Bushell's (a.k.a Jessica) profession is lacking in gravitas but she got elected, fair and square, regardless of her day job. If Mrs Bushell is prepared to hold her head up high and work to better her community (albeit whilst operating kissograms and sex lines) then good on her.

For your viewing pleasure;

Oh, I saw the Simpson's Movie yesterday. I'll spare you my usual saga review. It was alright. The blink-and-you-miss-them gags were funnier than the set pieces, which quite frankly, were disappointing. 10 years in the making and America's funniest family is merely tittersome. The film looks swish (Futurama-esque CGI) but unfortunately it fails to talk the talk. Thank goodness I have Sky.

Snore..

2007-07-24T13:03:00.000+01:00

I'm having another unmotivated day, I'm afraid. I shall blame this lack of purpose on finishing the final Harry Potter book last night. The last 72 hours have been a emotionally draining experience for me. I'm happy to reach the end of a long journey and put the lid on my Pottermania for the foreseeable future, sad because Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows ushers in the end of an era with a load of uncomfortable questions about life and love and plenty of characters popping their clogs.

Back in the real world people across the country are having to deal with widespread flooding as best they can. Acts of God suck. I live next to a river and got issued with a flood warning yesterday. According to the Environment Agency if it bursts it'll take out a number of village streets and mine's first on the list. Eep. I can't wait, my mother, the cat and I confined in an even smaller living space...My thoughts go out to all those having to wade through sewage just to put the kettle on, sorry guys.

Is this the real world though? With trivial prohibitions and swelling health and safety regulations sometimes I'm not so sure.

Bournemouth council has banned the area's three swimming pools from lending out armbands to young children. Letting parents blow up the inflatables could spread bacteria and potential punctures could lead to accidents. Would it be that difficult for the centres wash and/or replace the bands regularly?

The times and trials of tv....

2007-07-23T13:18:00.000+01:00

Creative editing of her Royal Highness, continuity errors on Homes Under the Hammer, dodgy phone quiz's galore and now it looks like a hardy ex SAS man prefers hospitality pancakes to the great outdoors. Will the lies ever cease? Why has the box deceived me so?

Channel 4 presenter Bear Grylls stands accused of misleading his audience during the filming of his Born Survivor series in which, according to a whistle blowing crew member, he often put himself up in a hotel for the night rather than camp.

Having never watched the series I can't comment on its presentation. That's not going to stop wild speculation though. I would hazard a guess that the discerning viewer watches Grylls climb rugged, blistering terrain for a bit (chatting away about the locale as he marches purposefully onwards), pitches his tent in the wilderness and then finds some ingenious way to cross a river, not before eating the extremities of some unfortunate furry critter. All fascinating, wholesome stuff which naturally leads the audience to think that maybe Grylls actually spends his evenings on location freezing his digits off in the middle of some mountain range, as opposed to the local B&B with its soft pillows and freebie toiletries.

On finding that the pressures, logistics and health and safety clauses of filming mean that they recieve a blinkered picture, audience's feel cheated, lied to by ommission.

A Channel 4 spokesman said: "Born Survivor is not an observational documentary series but a 'how to' guide to basic survival techniques in extreme environments". Survival consultant Mark Weinert went on, "If you really believe everything happens the way it is shown on TV, you are being a little bit naive".

Most people take "real life" programming with a pinch of salt, realising that pretty much everything on the telly is manipulated somehow, if not faked. We still wish it was real though, which leads into the question of whether or not Born Survivor "misled audiences". I sympathise with any C4 viewers who feel just a little cheated. For years I've wanted to take on Quavers, the lying cads, for asserting that their snacks were "floaty light". I wasted a lot of crisps when I was younger before I worked out the concept of false advertising (I'm not still bitter...).

I hope Grylls has learnt his lesson - next time give the four-star suite to the film crew and they might not grass you up.

Oh, good to hear that the unnamed Muslim girl kicked off a murder case for boogying away to her iPod has been done for Contempt and appeared in court this morning. Despite protestations from her family over the trial, Judge Aidan Marron QC said: "I can understand the real anxiety she and her family have, but I am afraid this is so important, it is of fundamental importance, that we get it right." Damn straight.

Elsewhere Travelodge have announced an end to pay-per-view porn, leaving legions of business men lonely far from home.

Do we ever learn?

2007-07-20T10:06:00.000+01:00

All these responsible holders of public office coming out and confessing their despicable, albeit fleeting, cannabis use....Gosh, surely honesty is not being spun as the best policy on this one....? The question is, of course, does the public care? Of course we don't, hence the disclosures. I, for one, don't give a monkeys if every single immaculately suited, middle-class paper pusher in Whitehall had a few tokes with their mates at uni. Congratulations you've outed yourselves, what a splash.

I'm more concerned, however, on hearing that history is becoming an undesirable, poorly structured subject in today's schools (especially as there are so many good history teachers out there). And will Government listen to Ofsted and reform the subject for the better? Three years ago Charles Clarke (then Education Secretary) said that history, as an academic subject, had no place in the modern world. I remember the incident as I was sitting the first year of my history degree at the time. I was not impressed. What Mr Clarke meant was that studying history does not leave you that many firm job prospects in the modern world (true enough...). Nevertheless to be any good at the subject you have to be able to research well, construct arguments and write persuasively. Still useful skills.

I may be biased but I firmly believe that history has a fundamental place in the education of young people. As empirical creatures we naturally create (and distort) our own history's every day - curse our large, hyperactive craniums - and what the human race does collectively, over notable periods of time, is of even more interest because we hope to learn from past trends. I think school children do learn from history (even if they don't yet understand the what's on the text book isn't necessarily true, its just some old duffer's interpritation of events).

And now the subject is a political issue. History repeats itself as children cover the rise of Nazism and appeasement again and again (I remember studying the topic for both GCSE and A Level five years ago) and still fail to grasp the main themes and hypothetical questions that arise from the past. I believe a wider range of historical periods should be taught, along with some attempt to link chronologies. Everyone likes time lines....

Politicians are now extolling the virtues of history as a social adhesive. Citizenship classes are not working and history should take up the burden, concentrating on "positive" British history and the history of minority groups. The labelling of positive and negative history is risible but a greater focus on the subject is certainly welcome (I believe it should be made compulsory). As long as kids get to cover a broad range of periods, with suitable props (I had a wonderful teacher who insisted on longbow lessons) the subject should hopefully inspire generations to come.

It is a truth universally acknowledged...

2007-07-19T13:24:00.000+01:00

Anyone know the rest?

Well, I do. The opening lines of Jane Austen's seminal Pride and Prejudice kick aimlessly around my head, waiting to spring forth should the rigour of University Challenge or Eggheads demand it.

I blame an Austen obsessed grandparent and comprehensive education's slavish devotion to certain classics. Plus my gender - it is also a truth universally acknowledged that young middle class women naturally gravitate toward period dramas at some point during their adolescence.

The few Austen novel's that I've read - P&P, Emma and Persuasion - I have actually enjoyed. The language is stiff and dated and takes some getting used to but the social commentary is excellent. Give me good ole Jane over Mills and Boon any day.

Anyway, the stuff's literary gold. Or not. Austin aficionado David Lassman, frustrated by his own failure to get into print, decided to see if 18 of the country's biggest publishing firms would recognise a classic, passing off the great author's work as his own. Only one company, Jonathan Cape, realised they had been sent a tweaked except.

I consider this to be a real shame. Lassman received a swathe of polite fob-offs from underlings, illustrating how hard it is for new (or old, in this instance) talent to get noticed. Publishers are businesses, they back books that fit current literary trends and marketing models. How disheartening. Your work stands a slim chance of fitting the bill and even if it does get read its by some overworked editor's assistant who can't spot a rip off.

Nevertheless my brow shall continue to sweat. Someday my masterpiece - involving a transexual go-go dancer from Buenos Aires who saves the Earth from giant Platypi - will astound the world.

Mm....doughnuts....

2007-07-17T13:21:00.000+01:00

This is a giggle...The country's pagans are livid after an image of Homer Simpson was painted next to the 180ft long (height, ahem) Cerne Abbas giant in Dorset.

The chalk giant, originally outlined in the 1600s, is believed to be a fertility aid.

Homer, on the other hand, was drawn with biodegradable paint to promote the new Simpsons movie out later this month.

Distraught pagans have vowed to pray for rain in order to remove the offending picture of the cartoon celebrity.

Speaking for the Pagan Federation Anne Bryn-Evans said: "It's very disrespectful and not at all aesthetically pleasing....I'm amazed they got permission to do something so ridiculous".

Hmm, which one's prettier...Homer with a doughnut or some naked, club wielding bloke with an erection...? And just what is Monsieur Simpson planning to do which that pastry? He could play hoopla/horseshoes (knowing Homer he'd probably eat it anyway....eww).

A hazardous education

2007-07-17T10:34:00.000+01:00

After a decade spent in comprehensive education a British youth might not be able to add, subtract or write a coherent sentence but should they trip up in the playground they'll be quids in. Who needs basic life skills when your child could receive £3,400 for a minor school yard scrape?

There's no real correlation between Britain's educational deficit and its compensation culture, of course (I'm being pedantic....) - but the amount that local authorities have been coughing up to injured parties does make it look like LEAs are more concerned with dodging court than discipline and teaching standards.

An older pupil who trespassed on primary school property won nearly £6,000 damages after the gate he was playing on broke and the local council could not prove that the gate had been properly maintained (to sustain the weight said child using it as a swing...). Another child received £12,746 after getting injured during a school hockey match.

I have no issue with compensation for acts of negligence - a wet floor or feckless teacher allowing mayhem - but draw the line at random accidents and childish stupidity.

I'm biased, however, and jealous. I only had two accidents whilst at school, one was a fractured arm acquired after a cartwheel went wrong, the other was a hockey ball in the chest at high speed. Both hurt terribly but a mere fractured arm and some technicolor bruising failed to spur my parents into action. One incident was my fault, the other was unfortunate (though I'll always maintain that Luke, the little git, took aim...).

Two recent pay-outs for the same injuries totalled just over £20,000. That would have been my student debt cleared, this years car insurance and tax, a holiday paid for etc....Damn.

Back to the idea that schools are for learning....Five million adults leave school semi-literature, whilst 17 million barely achieve a pass in GSCE maths. Seven per cent of adults can not answer a sum set for eight-year-olds (one eighth of 32...come on chaps, we can work it out...). Compulsory education will be extended to the age of 18 and private companies are now in talks with the Government over acquiring public funding for further education. By further education they mean resitting GCSEs to ensure their new employees can actually read and write.

Meanwhile ministers are (still) pledging to up further/higher education figures - aiming to increase the number of people with a university degree from 29 to 40 per cent by 2020. This is an imbecilic policy - there no one degree format that fits all and what about when all those graduates are let loose to on the labour market? Employment is not guaranteed (around 29 candidates, if not more more, apply for every graduate placement).

Scary stuff, best of luck Mr Balls.

(Oh, the answer's 6 by the way, I think, er, um....)

Five days and counting..

2007-07-16T09:52:00.000+01:00

I'm afraid I'm going to have to do it....Yes that's right, I'm going to talk about Harry Potter. I went to go and see the Film no. 5 on Friday night so here's the verdict...

If you're a fan of the books/film franchise you'll love it. If you're not up to speed with this whole concept of a load of school kids larking about with wands, fighting grown men wearing dresses (sorry, dark wizards) then abandon any attempt at piecing together the plot, sit back and enjoy the pretty pictures.

Me and a couple of girlfriends went to a late showing in the hope of avoiding rows of sniffling, squealing children. Instead we packed ourselves into a cinema filled with (at least a hundred) sniffling, squealing grown men and women. With David Yates directing Order of the Phoenix is even darker than the previous celluloid installment, peppered with tragic flashback sequences, soul sucking demons, child torture and yes, more death. Good job we didn't pile in with the kiddies. At least adults try to retain some dignity and whimper quietly.

Many Potterites share a dislike for this particular episode, viewing it on aggregate as the longest and dullest of Harry's adventures. Most of the story takes place at Hogwarts and is concerned with the kids acting out against their new headteacher, with the titular Order and whizz-bang action having to wait until the end of the film. However Yates does a good job with the plot changes and abridgements - fitting the mammoth tome into just over two hours screen time, giving the film pace whilst retaining its ominous, oppressive feel (making the film's moments of comic relief all the more delightful, such when Ron and Hermione bicker about Harry's love life and the Weasley twins disrupt a OWL exam).

The acting is admirable. As the franchise's three protagonists Daniel Radcliffe, Emma Watson and Rupert Grint are improving, slowly, though they still come across as stiff in places (not to mention the age issue, it's odd watching a group of young adults playing 15 year-olds, especially after the lead character stormed the West End in his birthday suit not that long ago). The experienced cast members are excellent though, especially the insidious evil of Imelda Staunton's Dolores Umbridge - a harpy in pink - and Gary Oldman's haunted Sirius. Nods to Maggie Smith, Alan Rickman, Emma Thompson and Helena Bonham Carter amongst the myriad of British talent on show.

The special effects are stunning (with the exception of Hagrid's naff hulking half-brother) and thanks to Yates the jokes and the tone of Order are decidedly more grown up than previous offerings (Rowling's harsh media and Ministry of Magic are brilliantly portrayed, sure to touch some nerves). Adult fans should be appeased, young kids on the other hand might get a little distressed at parts but if they've read and enjoyed the books then they can hack it.

Meanwhile the world waits for the weekend to hurry itself up and get here already...Saturday 21 July sees the end of an era with the release of the final Potter book and I'm not ashamed to say I'm getting a little excited. Everyone needs a bit of magic, after all.

Sad songs...

2007-07-13T08:49:00.001+01:00

Following Jenny's invitation (check this girl out she's good, you know http://geewhizjenny.blogspot.com/) I'm going to abandon any pretense at a (semi) professional blog and talk about my musical tastes....Because I can (and this sort of thing's therapeutic I'm told).

5 songs that move me (for better or worse):

Pink Floyd - Comfortably Numb - A song about the trappings of drugs and rock and roll with the best guitar solo EVER (my heart wants to jump out of my chest when I hear it). Play loud.

Elton John - Tiny Dancer - Not my favourite Elton tune (that's Crocodile Rock, always makes me want to jump around like an idiot...) but a bloody good ballad, the imagery is wonderful, very 70s, nice strings (closely followed by Someone Saved My Life Tonight in the emotional stakes).

Dire Straits - Sultans of Swing - This song is not an overplayed classic for nothing. I got brought up on this lot, its all good (apart from Walk of Life, which puts my teeth on edge) but this track in particular makes me feel like I've come home, chills me out and makes me smile every time I hear it.

Crowded House - Fall At Your Feet - I shouldn't be admitting this. This song always makes me feel broken (dodgy lyrics too). Aussie bastards.

Coldplay - Fix You - Yes, laugh it up, I like bed-wetting indie rock. This lot have done a few tracks that have made me feel raw but the lyrics and crescendo to Fix You make me relive some horrible emotional memories whilst reminding me to look to the future and appreciate all the love I've had in my life (all people who've helped fix me, as it were).

Food, glorious food...

2007-07-12T13:50:00.000+01:00

Public health experts have suggested that taxing unhealthy foods could saves thousands of lives a year. Annually over 200,000 people die of cardiovascular related illnesses - diseases which could be prevented with the help of a better diet.

Regardless of the health benefits you can imagine how well this would go down with the food industry and the consumer/voter...Lead balloon/homesick safe comes to mind...

The Government has been quick to pooh-pooh such a proposal. Good move - a few more pence on a bar of chocolate is no deterrent to the premenstrual female or chubby school child alike. I should know, having been both in my time - and I've happily imagined homicide for the sake of a cream bun.

But the fact remains that a quarter of this country's population is obese thanks to the accessibility of unhealthy (but oh so tasty) food stuffs coupled with a lazy outlook on life.

Meanwhile healthy school dinners remain a distant myth created by some gobby Essex chef desperate for air-time. (joke - I think Jamie Oliver's theory is a marvelous one - but in practice most kids are a nightmare when it comes to food).

A report by the Local Authority Caterers Association deplores the evidence that, despite the production and labour costs of school dinners going up (in order to serve heathier portions) kids just don't want to eat them. Chairman Sandra Russell states: "We cannot expect to reverse an embedded eating culture overnight nor can we convert teenagers to a healthier regime by force". What a sensible lady (of course the same theory applies to all those pernicious adult vices, be it drinking, smoking or taking illegal substances).

My secondary school housed a number of much loved vending machines and the healthy lunch option was pretty much always disregarded in favour of a burger and chips. Especially by me. I was not always allowed dinner money but whenever my parents gave in their hard earned cash went directly towards my spiraling BMI. For the record I also feel a twinge of guilt, shuffling along in the queue. Not enough to stop me though. However I snacked on fruit and veg and my breakfasts and dinners were all healthy home cooked meals (thanks mum). I liked healthy food and was always aware that the junk that I was consuming whilst at school was just that.

I also enjoyed playing sport - especially after working out that it got rid of some of the chubbiness...

I still exercise regularly, as well as eating things I shouldn't. I've grown out of the puppy fat and know what it is to eat sensibly, even if I don't always do so. And the reason - my upbringing. My parents brought me up to eat well (employing the harsh but fair, "If you don't eat what you're given you don't eat" dictum) and run around outdoors ("Go and climb a tree or something, you").

The government has already seen that forced healthy meals does not go down well. A better policy would be an expanded physical education programme and appealing to lardy arsed parents to get their sprogs out in the sunshine once in a while.

We might be a nation of fatties but, to Manchester's fury, perhaps not a nation of gamblers. Well done for scrapping the super-casino Mr Brown, shame we're still going to end up with mini versions, whether we like it or not.

Despite the contracts and jobs that arise from these ventures I do not think that gambling should be encouraged in Britain. In the light of all our other vices (see above) it's an aborrent idea. We're a dependant, cheap thrill seeking, consumer culture, how will a profligacy of legal gambling joints help this?

Controversial stuff

2007-07-11T12:18:00.000+01:00

Disclaimer - due to a lack of inspiration and direction today's post is going to be horribly narrow minded and right wing. Sorry if I offend anyone.

Yesterday 62 year-old Zheng Xiaoyu was executed by his government on corruption charges after serving as the head of China's State Food and Drug Administration (SFDA).

The former minister for product safety allegedly took around $800,000 in bribes to approve dodgy and/or untested items. Zheng's execution was ordered after a spate of export scandals including antifreeze in toothpaste, lead paint on toys, lethal pet food (killing thousands of American animals) and low quality drugs.

Despite confessing to his crimes the Peoples Republic showed no mercy, choosing to make a political example of Zheng and send a clear message to the world that corruption (in this public agency, anyway) will not be tolerated, especially in light of recent failings and with the approach of next year's Olympics in Beijing.

US Senator Chuck Schumer responded by saying: "If China thinks that its issues with food and product safety are going to be fixed with these types of executions, it shows how much they just don't get it."

Zheng's death was undoubtedly motivated by more than China's global reputation. This incident follows a period of infighting and jurisdictional chaos amidst the country's standardising bodies. Zheng was disposed of because he annoyed colleagues, involved himself in illegal dealings that caused untold damage to both humans and animals and because he made his country look bad. (It is estimated that around 300 million Chinese people are made ill each year by unchecked products).

I thoroughly believe in capital punishment for deserving cases (cold blooded murderers, paedophiles, terrorists, mime artists etc...) but we don't do that sort of thing here. Where Sen Schumer comes from they do, however the US death penalty is for extreme criminals, not politicians, and often takes years to enforce. At least the Chinese conduct swift justice.

Let me be clear, I do not condone the use of the death penalty for corrupt politicians like Mr Zheng but Chinese culture does and though I do not agree with the action taken I can, I think, understand it.

Speaking for the SFDA Ms Yan Jiangying gave an honest overview of China's regulatory problems, outlining why the organisation had been failing and the urgent need for improvement. The official openly admitted her department's flaws and made suggestions for its improvement. Regarding Zheng's execution she said that his behaviour was deeply shameful, enough said.

It appears the Chinese still have a sense of shame, which is, perhaps, more than we can boast.

Right, back to American senators. Reading about Senator David Vitter - involved with the infamous "DC Madam" Deborah Jeane Palfrey - in the British press, I'm amazed, as ever, by the power of religion. In response to the disclosure of his illicit dealings Mr Vitter said:

"This was a very serious sin in my past. I asked for and received forgiveness from God and my wife in confession and marriage counselling. Out of respect for my family, I will keep my discussion of the matter there - with God and them."

God may have forgiven Mr Vitter but he neglected to notify Ms Palfrey, it would seem.

Chewing the cud - no more?

2007-07-10T10:23:00.000+01:00

Now that us evil apes have received a slap on the wrist and due punishment in the form of Live Earth's global caterwauling and exhibitionism (I enjoyed the show but who isn't sceptical about the influence of a pop concert on human excess...?), it's time to take the fight against climate change to our bovine buddies.

I'm having trouble taking this seriously. Cows have been squelching and burping away for the thousands of years that we've been farming them en masse, the poor things can't help it...The scientific community, however, sees animal emmissions as a very real concern and it's hard to argue with the facts: cows and sheep have labourious digestive systems and emit a staggering 100-200 litres of atmosphere eroding methane each day. Livestock fart and belch out about a quarter of the amount of methane that is produced by humans through industry, transport etc...Officials and academics are set to spend thousands of pounds looking into how to improve cattle feed and circumvent their stubborn biology. I feel sorry for the poor lab lackeys who'll have to measure the changes in methane output in swealtering polytunnels but hopefully (with a decent set of nose plugs) it'll be worth it, and at least the animals'll eat what they're given.

It is believed that the solution could lie with easily digestible plants, such as the common but underused Birdsfoot trefoil, and more carbon conscious farming methods. Shame this strategy doesn't translate to human's - ditch your 4x4, munch a flower. Maybe we'll end up with food warnings/endorsements: every Happy Meal made from only the best, highly processed, methane neutral beef...

A young Muslim woman faces jail after repeatedly turning up late for jury service, ignoring evidence and, astonishingly, listening to her walkman during proceedings. Good, I hope she recieves some form of punishment for what appears to be a flagrant lack of repect for British values (nobody likes jury service but most people actually want to do a fair job). It'll be interesting to see if there's any reaction from our Islamic communities.

I know a bear that you don't know

2007-07-09T09:41:00.000+01:00

So far I have pootled along with my outmoded, image free blogging but no more. Check this out....

My (some would argue unhealthy) diet of sci-fi and manga meant that my first reaction was nothing short of apocalyptic....Ahhhh...runaway! Quick mental leap to scenes of alien invasion or perhaps a new line in government stormtroopers but no - this sinister plastic shell is, in fact, a force for good.

Created by 22 year-old design student Luke Pannell, the "Breathe Air" helmet offers relief to cyclists suffering from asthma or hay fever. The nose and mouth are screened from the elements and the offending pollen filled air is filtered before it circulates inside the mask. Recommended retail price: around £100.

I have visions of them racing round our streets and bridleways, bespoke designs for the fashion conscious, polka dots and neon graffiti versions for the kids (imagine if they were glow in the dark, speeding out of the night...). Soon to be found in geek emporiums and fetish stores everywhere...

I don't doubt the theory and I'm sure they work as designed, preventing irritation of the sinuses and lungs but what if, by some unfortunate fluke or itchy nose, you happened to sneeze whilst wearing one? Yuck...

Modern parents are eschewing traditional nursery rhymes in favour of singing pop songs and TV theme tunes to their children. Surveyors MyVoice found that 40 per cent of parents could not remember even one full rhyme.

I'm not surprised by this and its not really that big a worry, parents are still singing to their kids, helping communication, memory and literary skills, which is the point. Does it matter whether its Humpty Dumpty or "washing machines live longer with Calgon"? I doubt it...

I do think it's a shame though...I can recite a fair few nursery rhymes and always used to enjoy them as a toddler. My parents used sing along with me, or when they wanted some peace and quiet they'd plonk me in front of the box and leave me watching Jack, Jill and Humpty do their thing...Then as I got older I learnt where songs like ring-a-roses came from and actually found it quite interesting (cultural history, oral traditions etc...).

There's something to be said for parents sticking to the age-old formula instead of teaching your kids whatever you fancy. At least the blood and gore of nursery rhymes is socially acceptable. My parents didn't just teach me nursery rhymes....I got sent home from kindergarden on one occassion (no kidding) for belting out the Yogi Bear Song (includes the lyrics: "Susie likes it on the fridge, Polar, Polar,Susie likes it on the fridge, Polar, Polar Bear...etc", amongst many others...) - thanks Dad.

Oh that's soooo gay....

2007-07-06T10:51:00.000+01:00

Newly appointed minister for schools Kevin Brennan had declared war on play ground bickering...

The word "gay" has multiple meanings and kids often use it in the context of something being rubbish or unfashionable as opposed to homosexual. Even when the word's thrown about in relation to sexuality it's rarely said with much malice or conviction (that sort of sentiment is expressed in other, more distasteful, phrases).

This widespread habit used to get right up my nose. Why say "gay" in particular, I'd fume...Just because some kid's got a naff brand sport bag or uncool shoes doesn't make them "gay"...Why can't kids use the English language in the right context? My anger has now been replaced by apathy as more and more adults use the word in regards to something that is unfair or undesirable (and they, more than children, are aware of the implications of labelling somebody as gay).

I agree with Mr Brennan's drive to stop kids using this word in such a casual way but not because I think they are using it with any derogatory forethought but because it's a lazy, inappropriate use of the English language (that has the potential to foster homophobia).

He himself says: "This is too often seen as harmless banter instead of the offensive insult that it really represents".

Homosexual people are quite happy with the term gay being used to describe their sexual orientation (in fact, like black people reclaiming the word "nigger" gay people have made a good show of mastering once derogatory terms to express their pride and self confidence) - it's usually heterosexuals who see the term as an offensive insult, as an affront to their normalcy.

On another controversial note, a doctor is is currently on trial by the General Medical Council after administering lethal drug doses to two dying babies.

In 2005 Dr Michael Munro injected two premature infants with pancuronium and morphine. In each case the children were in their final stages of life after their parents had agreed to withdraw care. In effect Dr Munro performed ethanasia, hastening their deaths in order to shorten their acute suffering.

Neither couple protested at Dr Munro's conduct however it does not help the doctor's profile that he chose not to report his actions in the children's medical records.

Summarising the defendant's argument Andrew Long told the GMC: "Dr Munro admits his conduct was outside accepted professional practice, but Dr Munro does not accept it was inappropriate, contrary to guidelines or below the standard expected of a medical practitioner."

Hang the Hippocratic oath - if there was nothing I could do to save my terminal newborn child I would rather it died in a quick deep sleep instead of gasping for air. What would you do?

What will you spend your money on this weekend?

2007-07-06T09:22:00.000+01:00

I'm the first to admit that I'm a useless ambassador for the fairer sex - I fart, belch, swear (classy bird, me), occasionally have a pint and watch the footie, enjoy scary movies, play violent video games etc....The list goes on.

But I'm not totally bereft of femininity. I also drink silly cocktails (as long as its got an unbrella I'm happy, sparklers are a bonus), like shoes, occasionally wear floral prints, get broody, like small fluffy animals and enjoy getting down on the dance floor. But there are a couple of things I don't get about (white) women - the compulsion to spend the gross product of a small African nation on clothes and the desire to then look like a product of said African nation.

Alright, I exaggerate. The average Britain spends £556 on clothes each year, apparently (yes I know this includes men but I'm picking on the ladies today...). I should be so lucky....I shop when I need to, spending as little time, energy and money as possible (unless it's formal work attire or a must have item...). With a low income I'm stuck in student mode. I look for bargains and still sport clothes from my school days (if its in good nick, I still like it and it still fits then why not?)...Most of my spare cash goes on my hobbies and into my savings...But I realise in relative terms, 550 quid is not that much (I just haven't inherited the hard nosed, shop-till-you-drop gene from my mother), surely we spend far more on consumer gizmos, holidays and fake tans...

Warning: sunbeds cause death. Pretty clothes I get. Tanning, however, is a mystery to me. Natural tans look good, for sure, but all you need for one of those is some time spent abroad or doing some old fashioned hard work in the great outdoors. But why look like a mutated carrot all year round? What ever happened to pale and interesting? To be fair, I understand not wanting to put milk white legs on show in an evening dress and self tan creams are harmless. But sunbeds are another story..

29 year-old Zita Farrelly, from Manchester, died recently after contracting skin cancer from using sunbeds. She was an extreme case - the young mother of two used her own personal sunbed twice a day for seven years. Quite what motivated this woman's obsession we'll never know but poor Zita should serve as a warning to others, temper your usage, or better yet spend your money on something else (like clothes). I'm alright, I got put off using sunbeds after watching Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels....

Some relief

2007-07-04T09:06:00.000+01:00

After a night of emotional stress and broken sleep intermingled with freaky dreams it was marvelous to wake up to some good news. God speed Alan, home soon mate.

We're not getting any greener

2007-07-03T10:51:00.000+01:00

A recent poll by Ipsos Mori has revealed that the majority of Britons are still not convinced of the effects of climate change. Have they looked outside recently?

The pollsters interviewed two thousands adults and found that issues such as terrorism, crime and other public violations were a greater priority to most people. That's hardly news, people will always place immediate problems as top priorities...Sure the planet's dying, maybe it is our fault but it'll still be around for hundreds of years at least, whereas the fortunate Jihadist might blow you up tomorrow.

But which one is a certainty?

Well, we're not even convinced about that...Despite consensus amongst the scientific community, 56 per cent of us wrongly think that there is debate over the destructive impact of human emissions. Wishful thinking won't make the issue disappear I'm afraid...

You can see how people might see climate change as an over-hyped, fashionable cause, what with celebrities and cool young things everywhere rushing to purchase environmentally friendly merchandise, especially if it broadcasts their hip young status. But the public has become so familiar with marketing and media over-exposure (and the apathy that it spawns) that it has become a convenient excuse to trot out instead of facing up to climate change. It's ironic that 21st century Britain, an globally savvy first world country that runs on information, prefers to refute the facts rather than bite the bullet and walk to work or chuck a carton in the recycling.

Don't get me wrong, nobody gets off Scott free - least of all myself. I enjoy a sport which involves planes going up and down all day purely so people can jump out - but to counter this shameless hedonism I recycle like a demon, support green initiatives and ruthlessly pressure others to do the same..

Mori's top researcher Phil Downing spelled out the painful truth: "On behaviour, we're taking some action, but only around the margins of our lifestyles and when it suits us - most of us remain fair weather environmentalists."

What an innuendo.

An eventful weekend

2007-07-02T09:00:00.000+01:00

Typical, I step away from the computer for three days, banking on a quiet weekend, and al-Qa'eda rears its ugly head...

Browsing the papers this morning I'm relieved to see our lads are hot on the terror trail...We can only be thankful that in this instance the bombers were incompetent - but their failure will undoubtably spur on others. The timing is obvious, these attacks, had they caused the predicted carnage, were aimed to cripple the Brown government before it's even learnt to walk. Instead they serve as another, luckily bloodless, reminder - after the Midlands raids and foiled JFK attack - that extremist hatred towards the West is relentless...I wonder what will become of our civil liberties now? Does it matter as long as we're safe?

Oh well, as long as the airport restrictions are lifted before I go away then I'm alright...

But seriously, I hope our intelligence agents and counter terrorism teams are well paid (who knows?). We should all spare a thought to those unsung spooks who run up and down the country on the slightest hunch, monitor global traffic for days on end, or take the ultimate risk in going undercover to protect our way of life. Thanks chaps.

Will there be no end to furore over the smoking ban? It's been estimated that thousands of smokers lit up in pubs yesterday, a fine, stubborn sentiment but it will do you no good. Personally I would like to allow smokers their right to spark up in public, as long as they were seperated from non-smokers (smoking-only pubs for example). I do not agree with the government curtailing people's freedom of choice in particular places but still stocking the evil weed in every corner shop. However I do think that on health grounds the ban is a good thing, it will galvanise some smokers give up and keep 75 per cent of Britain's non smoking adult population happy. Will report back after my local pub quiz later in the week...

It was the final episode of Dr Who on Saturday, how am I going to cope without David Tennant for the next six months? They went out with a corker though, scary stuff...Full marks to John Simm for a performance to rival/compliment the Doctor, charismatic, kooky and downright evil...We'll see him again...

Oh and I watched a bit of the concert in celebration of Princess Di....It was a lovely gesture and though the crowd had all the atmosphere of a dead fish, the acts that I saw weren't too bad at all, especially Elton and Ricky Gervaise at the end. The Princes put on a good show too (shame Charles and Camilla couldn't make it..), mind you there was something mildly uncomfortable about watching the future heir(s) to the throne shaking their booty to Nelly Furtado...

Invasion of the rubber duckies...

2007-06-28T11:55:00.000+01:00

I will not attempt to keep up with today's cabinet appointments - I'm sure Gordon's government will contain an eclectic mix of steadfast sensibles like Jack Straw and Alistair Darling and young stars such as David Milliband and Alan Johnson (along with the possibility of a couple of cross-party surprises). I did, however, do a little mental jig on hearing that two of Blair's most unbodacious babes won't be returning to the cabinet - bye Patricia, bye Margaret.

Despite her overbearing, school ma'am tones it's been rather hard for anyone to take Patricia Hewitt seriously over the past months. Heckled by nurses and hated by doctors, she has presided over mountains of red tape, debt, disease and dissent. She was a thoroughly misguided steward of our health service and she knew it, tendering her resignation before Brown could get to her. The best executive decision she has made this year.

Margaret Beckett was seen crying in the Commons yesterday as Mr Tony Blair gave his last speech as Prime Minister. Who says they were tears of sadness? I'd be more inclined to believe she was gushing with relief, seeing her impending sacking on the horizon: "Thank God you're off Tony, I can get the hell out of here". After her DEFRA debacle, ruining the livelihoods of numerous farmers, Mrs Beckett went on to be one of our most undistinguished Foreign Secretaries in recent memory. Ta ta, then.

Around 30,000 plastic ducks are bobbing their way happily towards our shores as I type...US Oceanographer Curtis Ebbesmeyer has been tracking the ducks since they were dumped into the Pacific during a storm 15 years ago. The "friendly floatees" have spent years surfing the world's currents, navigating Japan, America and the Arctic, soon to hit the UK. Pretty plucky if you ask me...Ok, so its not a BMW (re: Napoli shipwreck) but I wouldn't say no (I'd find any excuse to fly Virgin, you get mini-ducks!). Beachcombers lucky enough to spy one can claim a £50 award from the manufacturer. Alternatively they sell to collectors for ten times that amount. But I implore you, don't let these fearless fowl end up in the hands of profiteers, stick them back in the drink and let them roam our seas forevermore.

A woman in Cumbria has escaped jail after racking up £8,000 damages against her partner. Fed up with her fiance's boozing and laziness, Emma Thomason bundled Jason Wilson's possessions into his white van and sent it into the harbour at Whitehaven (presumably whilst he was down the pub). Women, eh? Any interesting revenge incidents out there?

Another new dawn...

2007-06-27T10:03:00.000+01:00

I've just read Quentin Davies' resignation letter, handed to David Cameron yesterday as the veteran Tory MP jumped ship and joined Labour.

Mr Davies has been at odds with much of Dave's policy from the get go and has been in talks with Gordon Brown, we hear, for months. His defection, along with his public letter of resignation are expertly timed and executed. For a brief period Mr Davies will enjoy the spotlight and his very own sprinkling of Labour fairy dust. Gordon may not be the consummate showman that Blair was but as ever it's the quiet ones you've got to look out for. In reaching out to the liberals last week and helping to orchestrate Mr Davies' very public transition, patient Gordon is showing himself to be as politically savvy as his predecessor, with a nasty Machiavellian streak and the determination to annihilate the Tories.

How fast can you dance Dave?

Davies' letter comes across as almost childish, a personal attack on Mr Cameron, couched in one-sided bluster. Though I strongly agree with Davies' general sentiment - that the Conservatives are failing to send out a clear policy manifesto - I do not think that that the party has lost faith in itself or its leader. David Cameron appears committed to giving the Tory party its much needed make over, both inside and out. It's ironic that whilst Labour concentrates on tearing off the facade of the Blair years, the Conservatives are still trying to get cuddly with voters but why should this approach be ridiculed? Our social memory still views the Tories as the outmoded "hang 'em and flog 'em" party, Dave and his cronies have been working hard to catch up with Labour in the spin stakes, who can blame them? As for policy, the Tory line on social cohesion, public services and devolution is sound however their foregn policy and budgeting is anyone's guess.

I take this opportunity to wish both Mr Brown and My Blair well in their new lives. I look forward to a referendum soon.

You might be famous but...(you're still a nutter)

2007-06-26T09:39:00.000+01:00

The German government has banned a film crew from shooting on its soil, not because of the movie's subject matter - the infamous bomb in a briefcase attempt to take out Hitler - but because of the leading man's religious orientation.

Surely not? Why would cuddly liberal Germany make such a show of definitive bigotry? Because the star in question is Tom Cruise and the religion in question is Scientology.

A spokesman from the German Ministry of Defence said that although the Government supported the film and its premise it could not suffer Cruise's involvement, as he is an open, "member of the Scientology cult". As that statement suggests, Germany does not recognise Scientology as a genuine religion, choosing instead to view it as a money making cult.

I agree with Germany's analysis but think it's a tad harsh to prohibit the making of a film purely because one of the cast members is a brain washed moron with more money than sense. But I suppose in weighing it up - Hollywood revenue vs. Scientology infiltration - Germany has decided the risk of promoting the idea that we are descended from a race of persecuted aliens older than the universe, was just too much.

Can't blame them, we've all heard horror stories of innocents sucked into Scientology (a friend of mine has relatives who really were taken in by that lot) and it's hard to feel much sympathy for set of beliefs that have only been around for 50 years. Time to drag out a favourite quote:

"Writing for a penny a word is ridiculous. If a man really wants to make a million dollars, the best way would be to start his own religion" - Journalist and Scientology founder L Ron Hubbard

There's debate as to the veracity of this quote, I find it too apt to resist.

Fruit tea, anyone?

2007-06-25T10:27:00.000+01:00

What is going on with our weather...? I know Glastonbury's just gone (didn't Shirley look great?) and Wimbledon kicks off today (and there's no roof over the main court...But will that deter good old Cliff..? We can but hope..) but still, this is rubbish. I'm getting more annoyed with those ignorant types who refute climate change....I should be jumping out of planes into clear blue skies not stood on the ground getting drenched...(On the plus side I'm off to Spain in September to go jumping for a week, woohoo!)

I'm English - its my default setting to moan about the weather, sorry...

The royal gossip goes that Wills and Kate are on the road to reconcilation...It's just a clever marketing ploy by Woolies to sell more mugs, I'm sure of it.

On doctor's orders I am now on a horribly strict diet that includes no caffeine. I've been having tremendous brain splitting headaches as it seeps out of my system...it's all I can do not to maul my work colleagues before the morning tea run. Am narrowly resisting the urge to go and hold up a Starbucks....Feverish dreams of Machiattos and Rocky Road bars are bouncing round my head - Maybe there's a Caffeine Anonymous group I can go and abuse...(anyone seen Hacker's? Think Joey in custody: "I'm not an addict...Can I get some more coffee?").

Good to see Alan Johnston still alive and well, albeit sporting this year's must have suicide chic...Hang in there Alan, our thoughts are with you.

The amiable Miss Harriet Harman is now deputy leader of the Labour Party after just beating favourite Alan Johnson...How exciting. The press, however, reports that poor Harriet will not have the privilege of being named deputy PM after frustrating Mr Brown with her lefty sentiment and views on Iraq (which have now miraculously shifted). Miss Harman told Jeremy Paxman during election hustings that she thought the Government should apologise over Iraq. This morning she denied the episode...Maybe Paxo bullied her into it, or it was a slip of the tongue but I doubt it...Dancing around the issue Harriet now says that the Government should formally "recognise" the damage it has done in Iraq. Miss Harman has always seemed a solid, centre-left politician but it appears that, after flapping about, she has already subjected herself to Gordon clunking fist.

Gordon Brown has been making a serious effort to distance himself from Blair's NuLabour showmanship, promising a back to basics incarnation of Labour policy. This about turn is working and Labour are finally overtaking the Tories in the popularity stakes. Gordon's confident, there are even rumours of a general election as soon as next year. Lets hope that after such a long handover, Gordon will hit the ground running and stick to his guns, as well as his new deputy. They'll make a lovely odd couple, I'm sure.

And the oscar went to...

2007-06-22T09:05:00.000+01:00

I finally buckled and decided to rent The Last King of Scotland. I've been undecided - lured by Oscar glory, repelled by what I knew would be a pretty uncomfortable film. I wasn't wrong.

Set in the 70s, at the start of Idi Amin's terror fuelled rule of Uganda, the film follows newly qualified doctor Nicholas Garragan as he decides escape Scotland and his parent's and head for Africa. Naive and cocky in equal measure, Nicholas is a randy bugger, he's barely settled into his new Ugandan mission and he's after the boss's wife. Expertly played by Gillian Anderson, with a top notch English accent and blonde locks, Sarah is a sensible type who's pain and confusion over her feelings for Nicholas foreshadow the nightmare to come.

It's out of the frying pan...for Nicholas when a chance meeting with Amin takes him from the gritty outback to the luxury of the despot's HQ in Kampala. Amin switches on the charm, wooing Nicholas with ease and the young doctor soon finds himself physician to one of the world's most brutal men. Treated as some kind of curio or pet for Amin's entertainment, by the time the spell wears off, Nicholas is in deep. When Uganda's martial law and mass disappearances finally get through to the young Scot, he's been buttered up with a lavish lifestyle and is once again involved with the boss's wife...

Overall the acting is first rate and the protagonists are superb. McAvoy's Nicholas is giddy and self absorbed under Amin's thumb but when the screws start to turn the man comes around and you're rooting for his survival. Whitaker's potrayal of Amin is nothing short of mesmerising, a well desrved Oscar for that man. You know things are going to turn ugly from the outset but can't help being sucked in by Amin as he mixes commanding rhetoric with affable, fatherly jokes.

The Last King is an excellent study of Amin, his motivations and paranoias but the predictable nature of the film niggled me initially. I knew the set up and that something gruesome was on the way (some scene's are particularly shocking as the film nears its end) but when the gears are stepped up the tension works and you're on the edge of your seat. The 70s vibe contrasts well with the realities of Africa, from the sparse villages to the urban nightmare that Nicholas encounters. Both an engaging human drama and a nuanced historical study, watch this film if you relish taught subject matter and electrifying performances. Do not watch it on a full stomach.

One week left....then its Gordon a go-go!

2007-06-21T13:18:00.000+01:00

Watched PMQs yesterday...Bit of a mixed bag for the venerable Ming....one quick question about the inequality of private equity fat cats and the issue's all over the morning papers (yes, I know it was raised last week)...is the city quacking in its boots?

However the revelation that Papa Gordon attempted to woo ex Liberal leader Paddy Ashdown into his new cabinet has made the current incumbent look like a bit of a twit...

Back to the Commons, I was very taken with Mr Blair's red and gold striped tie...which some quick tv viewer thought might refer to the possible Lib/Lab coalition on the cards....or not. The honorable Tony did his usual pantomine of praising Gordon and understanding everyone's views....he failed, however, to answer the primary question put to him by the leader of the opposition. Not once, not twice but three times Mr Blair shrugged off Lord Falconer's ill-fated quote that the early release of thousands of British prisoners would be "seriously wrong". Can't take that one back now buddy.....All Mr Blair could do was apologise for the miscalculation over places...What's new...?

Got home in the evening to sit down with a beer and watch Newsnight (if you're having a bad day just think, "at least I'm not on Newsnight")...Which included a Labour MP and a Tory MP talking about private equity. The transatlantic Tory was prickly, methinks he has his fingers in a couple of ventures. The Labour MP, Angela Eagle, put on a brave face but looked close to tears. I'd probably be the same if I was in her position, charged with trying to crack open a bunch of uncooperative, self assured city bankers, she looked at a complete loss...("What did I do to be treated so by my masters...?"). Especially when asked about a possible coalition government under Brown, though whether she was tight lipped out of ignorance, fear or indignation we'll never know...

I don't know what to make of this bid for liberal involvement...What is Gordon playing at? In doing so he manages to annoy his commrades and offend the liberals...Oh, right. It looks good with the masses and stops the Tories muscling in on middle England...No, really, I love the theory of a coalition government, it might even work. But not in today's political climate, everybody's in the middle of a re-brand, we can't go about mixing mesages now can we....

Speaking of which, the Tories really need to pull their socks up and start solidifying policy. I quite like Dave's shadow cabinet (Willett's, Osborne and Hague seem to know their stuff) but what's the overall message? Political devolution, welfare reform and social improvement, all lovely sentiments but how I say, how?! Oh, they've suggested implementing "health miles" - yes, the Conservatives, not Labour. If you're overweight, smoke, drink too much etc...and cut down on your chosen vice you could then be rewarded with discount veg, gym membership etc...Labour ban, the Tories incentivise...I'm getting my carrots and sticks in a real muddle...

So after that blurb of hot air I leave you with a nice anonymous quote I just remembered...

"Define politics? Sure - 'poli' - many, 'tics' - blood sucking parasites".

Virtual Insanity

2007-06-19T14:02:00.000+01:00

I don't dare call myself a gamer...I quite like running round and shooting stuff on the TV screen for a bit but I have no patience (to be honest I'm a poor shot. Bizarrely, I get better after a drink though). When I was younger I'd spend hours holed up on the PC, lost in Quake, Doom and Lara Croft (laugh it up, I was a trigger happy young girl, to me the buxom Ms Croft was sooooooooo awesome), munching through game after game. (My dad used to come and watch me play, not in the least bothered that his oddball daughter, usually seen with her head in a book or up a tree somewhere, got so much joy out of blowing the crap out of a virtual world).

Now times have changed. I occassionally dust the old XBox off (gaming progression: Nintendo, Sega, PC, XBox. I can't be arsed to keep up with gaming trends anymore, that's what friends are for) and settle down for a couple of hours of panicky shooting, profuse swearing and personal frustration. It's a giggle but then I gather the doorstop up into my loving arms and put it to bed for another month. I no longer have the desire to play until my eye lids itch and droop or I start throwing the controller around in anger. But I do still have the same taste in games. FPS all the way man (maybe a bit of role play in there - if I'm supervised)...My games are all silly no brainers - Wolfenstein, Doom, Vice City, Half Life etc...and the immediate objective is always the same. Kill stuff. Right now (before it kills you).

I've never played Manhunt. My soul is clean. I remember when it came out here, though and the fury that followed. Then Leicester teenager Stefan Pakeerah was brutally murder by 17 -year-old Warren LeBlanc, a fan of violent films and video games, Manhunt in particular. Despite the police citing robbery as LaBlanc's motive the dead boy's parents, along with much of the media and middle England, believed LaBlanc was imitating the heavy content and gruesome gameplay of Manhunt. Quite possibly. "Violent games must be banned", came the cry. I can remember proping up a pint and having quite an animated discussion with friends about the issue. "Leave gamers alone" was the response, "just cos we like a bit of gore doesn't make us all axe murderors". So the game was a bit sick and scary, it was a critical and popular success and there was no crazed killing endemic.

Now that its sequel has been banned from our shores I would like to know what others think. As the first game to be unequivocally chucked out by the British Board of Film Classification in 10 years methinks Manhunt 2 is something special.

BBFC Director David Cooke said: "Manhunt 2 is distinguishable from recent high-end video games by its unremitting bleakness and callousness of tone in an overall game context which constantly encourages visceral killing with exceptionally little alleviation or distancing. There is sustained and cumulative casual sadism in the way in which these killings are committed, and encouraged, in the game.

Against this background, the Board’s carefully considered view is that to issue a certificate to Manhunt 2...would involve a range of unjustifiable harm risks, to both adults and minors."

I am no psychologist, I can't say for certain whether or not violent games foster real violence. But I'm no psycho either and I've played violent games (though not the offending article) all my life. I thoroughly understand the risk of such material to impressionable children - all kids play act...But I've always thought that blaming an adult killing on a medium of entertainment is a cop out. I know the difference between reality and the game. I get all pumped and excited and can't wait to butcher some random mutant/Nazi/monster with that controller between my hands. Yet my desires have limits. The thought of seeing whether I could do it in the flesh makes me ill.

I don't doubt the BBFC are making a good decision. The argument runs that surely if the ban stops just one adolescent nutjob from flipping then it's worth it. I agree. It just spoils everyone else's fun. Mind you, it's not like Rockstar needs the revenue.

Dissent and disease - wahey it's Monday...

2007-06-18T12:37:00.000+01:00

This year's British Medical Association AGM for GP's saw a practically unanimous vote in favour of sacking Health Secretary Patricia Hewitt. The doctors went on to detail their lack of confidence in the Government. This is no laughing matter... I will therefore restrain myself to pointing and sniggering softly whenever I see the misguided minister...

Eric Rose, the gentlemen who proposed the motion to sort out the health service, said: "the dangers to the fabric of the NHS appear greater than ever. No one is more responsible for this than Secretary of State 'Call me Patricia'". Damning stuff...

Some poor monkey over at the Department of Health issued the official line: "A constructive and balanced contribution from the BMA as to how we continue to improve care for patients would be more welcome". Er....I'd like to think all those doctors who have dedicated so much time and money towards their individual training and their profession as a whole know what's needed to improve care - it's their job (as opposed to some press office oik). The medical profession is loosing patience and is challenging the Government more often than not. Has the DoH become deaf to the clamour of constructive criticism? Maybe its time for a change, Patricia..

40 per cent of hospitals, PCTs etc...believe they are meeting government hygeine standards. Well done. Less encouraging are the 1/4 who admit to inadequate (eep!) infection control, decontamination and general cleanliness. My local PCT is one of the 99 NHS organisations who have owned up to such shoddy standards. As a consequence these sites are happy breeding grounds for those nasty little bugs killing all our old folk....Hmm, 2+2=? It's almost as if they're being encouraged...But seriously, we need to sort this out, compulsory hand washing for visitors would be a start...

Sexed up and clueless

2007-06-15T09:49:00.000+01:00

British teenagers are having sex younger and boy do they like it....As a result pregnacy (and abortion) rates are booming and STI's are rife. An adolescent girl has a 50/50 of getting gonorrhoea when having unprotected sex and her chances of contracting syphilis have risen over 2,000 per cent over the past decade. Eep.

And the culprit, according to an independent advisory group? The giddy, glittering, gauche cult of celebrity. Teenagers are swamped with sexual material in magazines and adverts, alongside pictures of pissed popstars and Pete Doherty smoking crack. The result is a growing number of children who define their lives around sex and drugs.

To what extent does the media and it's coverage of the messed-up star antics influence the youth of today? Don't forget that celebrities have been living it up for generations (how many OD's in the '60s and '70s?) but in the digital age there is no escaping the rich and infamous - they're on every desktop and evening telly lineup.

But hey, don't forget to blame the parents, our drinking/eating/dumbed down culture, the Government (any excuse..), the schools and the creeping fug of today's feckless, Godless society. To be fair I don't think this is something that can be pinned on social inequalities - we've all overdone it on the sex, drugs and rock'n'roll, or know friends who have, regardless of background or parenting strategies (both liberal and authoritarian attitudes lead to offspring overdoing it).

And never was there a more contentious issue than sex education. By teaching our young people what goes where do we inform and temper them or simply encourage them? I'm very much in the pro-education camp. We live in a world where ideals of morality, marriage and manners seem to be under constant review - I'd rather children knew what the hell they're getting themselves in for. Ha, maybe a Pythan syle syllabus should be adopted (joke...) - all together now: "every sperm is sacred, every sperm is great"...

It doesn't help that we can't even advertise contraceptives properly. We all have a good giggle at wacky Jonny ads from Oz on Tarrant on TV, or whatever but I bet they act as a great reminder.

There is no silly punchline or easy solution to this one, chaps. Mind you castrating a few celebs might make good reality tv, any takers?

Charity and religion

2007-06-14T12:41:00.000+01:00

Labour MP and welfare guru Frank Field has accused Gordon Brown's tax credits system of discriminating against two parent families on low incomes.

His case in point is that a single mother, working less than 10 hours per week recieves just over £25,000pa. Christ, I need to get me knocked up....

Well done to Mr Field for getting out his calculator and challenging Gordon but his conclusions are long overdue. He just had to ask any local authority benefit administrator, unemployment clerk or lacky over at the DWP or Revenue and Customs. Mind you they have their own problems...Top of the list are the relentless performance targets set by central government.

Means tested tax credits are awarded to families and individuals on low incomes, with the intention of reducing child poverty. How much you recieve depends on how many hours you work, your income (which includes any other benefit you may recieve) and outgoings, the number of children you have, their ages etc...(not to mention any small savings you may have which can make you ineligible). It's a complicated calculation, one performed by numerous employees at different agencies and one that is constantly under review, should your circumstances change.

As a result the administration of the welfare state is no easy task and tax credits, highly praised when they were introduced three years ago, have made it a nightmare. I say this with complete confidence, having worked for a local authority administering housing benefit.

Like with every other benefit, the level of overpayment is shocking. £6 billion was incorrectly paid out in tax credits alone in the past year - some as a result of fraud, the rest down to admin difficulties. The subsequent recovery of benefits is often messy and misunderstood, causing families and civil servants serious problems.

Mr Field has believes that single parents are being discouraged from finding partners because of the effect it will have on their benefit. He's refering to the more consciencious claimants out there. Others simply hide their partner's income or existance (resulting in the biggest source of benefit fraud).

The benefits system needs a serious overhaul, targets need to be eased and calculations need to be simplified. Will Gordon get the ball rolling and discipline his baby?

Over at the Vatican Cardinal Renato Martino has called for all Catholics to stop donating to Amnesty International. The human rights charity has recently started supplying abortions to unfit African women and those pregnant as a result of rape and incest. I will personally pay for a (one way) ticket to Sudan so he can hold the hands of all those traumatised women about to go into labour. Bet he doesn't go for it.

Normal service is resumed

2007-06-13T09:04:00.000+01:00

Right, sorry about that peeps...I'm an idiot, I published when I meant to save and I'm too lazy to lark about cutting and pasting so you'll have to read the second half of my rant as follows....

"Scandal or controversy beats ordinary reporting hands down", asserts Mr Blair - er, surely it depends on the event and the paper covering it...? As I said, I'm not denying/defending the sensationalist streak of broadsheets, tabloids, freesheets, whatever, they have to vamp up events to make good copy. Every paper has its own readership to think about - different people want different information from their paper. The Telegraph's mostly middle-class, centre right readership will get stuck into a story about the Government's black hole IT funding, whereas The Sun won't give it an inch of column space. Instead The Sun may run a story on some washed up popstar accused of cross dressing at the weekends. Each story will have a hyped up headline for their readers but the copy will still have to be comprised of "ordinary reporting" - getting the facts and figures right.

Tony goes on to decry the practice of media comment - this has me livid. "The new technique is commentary on the news being as, if not more important than the news itself". "Opinion and fact should be clearly divisible." Shall we just shut down the presses and servers and have one universal news outlet (regulated by whom...?), with no opinion? I read comment pieces on a daily basis, if the subject interests me. What's the point of being fed news if you can't put it into some kind of context? How do others feel and how does this affect me? And I enjoy reading an opinion piece that blends fact, the author's personal comment and entertaining prose, even if I don't agree with the argument. I am not stupid Mr Blair, I can work out what is fact and what is subjective journalism.

"Stories, are all black and white", "Some good, some bad" is not the way things are done, everything is critical. Methinks the PM is getting a little over sensitive and perhaps needs to read some more balanced comment, I assure him it's out there.

"Viewers or readers have no objective yardstick to measure what they are being told". Sure but the same goes for official information. Human beings are real buggers, huh? Subjective, biased, always trying to spin the best story they can. Though as a result, we tend to know how much bullshit we can tolerate and are able to make rational choices about what we believe to be true.

I sympathise with Mr Blair's attempt to address the balance between the media and politics (good timing, might I add) but I do not think, "we are all being dragged down by the way media and public life interact". I agree, coverage is often unbalanced, much reporting is critical of politicians and the media can and should do more to get the public involved in the political process. But Mr Blair's protestations and likening of the British media to a "feral beast" are childish. Ultimately, there's no smoke without fire.

Right, I'm off to go and see what today's press has made of the lecture....

Not done...

2007-06-12T16:27:00.001+01:00

I got all excited and posted the following mid-article, more to come....

Tit for Tat

2007-06-12T15:28:00.000+01:00

I have just read Tony Blair's lecture on "Public Life", by which he means politics/media relations, given at Reuters HQ in Canary Wharf this afternoon.....

I'm going to compose and post my comment after taking time to compose myself.

Where to start. I'm going to take a very rudamentary approach and cover the bits that irk me one by one. Or I could just express my anger in some other form, I am quite annoyed.

Tony's dissertation covered the changing nature of the media, the proliferation of sensationalist reporting and public perception of both media and politics. All very timely, inter-linked topics but you're not fooling anyone with you're apologetic phrasing Tony..."I've made this speech after much hesitation. I know it will be rubbished in certain quarters. But I also know this has needed to be said". The constant references to politicians afraid of a free/wild press are sickening. If politicians are so scared of backlash, they deserve to be ribbed in the media. Grow up.

But I'm starting back-to-front...Tony kicks off by stating the obvious, talking about the stretched relationship between journalists and politicians, "the relations between politics and the media are and are by necessity, difficult". He goes on to explain to a bunch of journalists the changing nature of their profession, the demands of rolling news and the digital age, as a consquence of which politicians are held to account in real time, as events change. Boo hoo.

Acccording to Tone responsible individuals in all walks of life are scared of the media, it is too vast and fickle to cope with. I think Mr Blair will find that "the media", be it newspapers/magazines in print or online respect public figures who are square with the press. Those who deal with the media in their own way, do not flip-flop about and are not cowed by the potential of bad press, are given the space (and support) to say their piece.

"Most politicians come into public life with a desire to serve". So do most journalists.

Apparently Britian's apathy towards Parliamentary democracy can be put down to reduced political reporting. Charles Moore, ex Telegraph editor and experienced political correspondant, has pre-empted the PM here. On Saturday he wrote an article outlining how coverage at Westminister had become down right dull as MPs are loosing the motivation to debate bills that will sink or float regardless of discussion.

Blair says: "If you are a back bench MP today, you learn to give a press release first and a good Parliamentary speech second". I can tell you without hesitation which the mass media would prefer and it's not the Janet and John style press release.

Then Blair moves to the thorny subject of sensationalism. Shock language is used on a daily basis, making headlines stand out and moulding readers responses. Yup...Sometimes such "impact" is needed, elsewhere it is openly used to spice up stories. Blair talks about the dramatic bent of the media as if its a new thing. Journalists have to eat you know....

"Something that is interesting is less powerful than something that makes you angry or shocked". Not true. Readers soon become attuned to evocative wording (whatever paper they read) . They will only venture beyond the first paragraph if the subject interests them. The power lies in engaging, well written reports.

Paris revealed (no, not like that...)

2007-06-12T10:19:00.000+01:00

It was all an act! Who'd a thunk it?! Give the girl an Oscar...

The snot covered Barbie ("Its not fair!") we saw leaving court is no more. From the bowels of an LA jail will emerged a beautifully transformed Paris Hilton, moved by God to pull her socks up, ditch the "it" image and help heal the world - or so the little grub will have us believe.

Speaking to TV presenter Barbara Walters via phone, Paris told the world's press: "I'm not the same person I was..I used to act dumb. It was an act. I am 26 years old, and that act is no longer cute. It is not who I am, nor do I want to be that person for the young girls who looked up to me."

It's lovely to think that Paris has developed a conscience over night, it really is. Oh and it's looking like she's only going to serve half of her 45 day sentence as she's being such a good girl. Well, it'll be straight home for an early night and an Ovaltine (is there a US equivalent?) when she's out then and I expect to see Saint Paris adopting kids and curing AIDs in no time. Am I too sceptical? Perhaps but I bet this butterfly gets her wings burnt before long.

A change in the wind....?

2007-06-12T09:03:00.000+01:00

Yesterday our leader-to-be visited Baghdad and spent some quality time with our servicemen and the Iraqi PM Nuri al-Maliki. Our favourite capable Scot told the world how his future government would "learn the lessons" of the run-up to the allied invasion of Iraq, admitting that the "dodgy dossier" which detailed Saddam's WMDs was, in fact, dodgy. Brown went on to outline the hopefull seperation of intelligence investigations from political agenda's. We can but hope...The funding and management of the security services is not public knowledge, finger's crossed our spooks are in control of their own operations, regardless of political pressure.

Despite distancing himself from Blair's Iraq masterplan, Gordon has deflected the opposition's calls for an inquiry into Iraq, explaining that now is not a good time. He's right, I think, and though my sense of outrage demands more info, I doubt critics, myself included, will ever be satisfied with its findings.

Asserting his authority he said: "I don't want to get into talking about timetables or numbers'', concerning withdrawl. Go Gordon! After Dannatt and Blair's bickering earlier in the year, the remainder of our troops are in Iraq indefinately, at least it's good to see Gordon isn't being baited.

But my faith in the healing power of sensible Father Brown falters over the thorny issue of Parliamentary reform. "I have already said Parliament should have a more formal role in issues of war and peace", he said. I seriously hope so, Parliament has been reduced to nothing but a formal ideal under Blair. It needs an active role. We have representatives who come together at Westminister to argue on behalf of the people but there is little argument, only meek consensus - the line is well manned. There have been calls from a respected collection of "former permanent secretaries, defence chiefs and businessmen" (Telegraph) to restore Cabinet government - something English politics desperately needs - but it was Blair's closed network of entrenched mandarins and business opportunists that allowed the breakdown of Cabinet authority in the first place....

Learning curve or downward spiral?

2007-06-11T12:11:00.000+01:00

A leading think tank has accused politicians of trashing the national cirriculum and replacing real learning with trendy civil issues and narrow subject matter.

In today's sensational, The Corruption of the Curriculum, Civitas argues that, "The traditional subject areas have been hijacked to promote fashionable causes...while teachers are expected to help to achieve the Government's social goals instead of imparting a body of academic knowledge to their students,". Nothing like a cold dose of reality....

In the past the government said that half the UK's eligible demographic should go to university... As a result of such thoughtless targets we are no longer able to distinguish between able and talented students, churning out thousands of coddled, aimless school leavers. More kids want to be famous than be doctors (mind you, its a toughie, what's more oversubscribed, Holywood or the English medical field?), urgh. The other side of the coin sees swathes of dropouts and delinquents who'd much rather engage in petty crime than sit through tepid citizenship classes. Don't blame them.

Civitas outlines how History students are asked to write one-sided extremist interpritations of 9/11 (as a history graduate this seriously worries me, what the hell are our kids going to be learning in the future?) and English lit pupils bypass romanticism and get top marks. In science, the Bunsen burners and water rockets have been shelved in favour of theoretical debates on genetics and nuclear power.

I was never particularly good at science but I thoroughly enjoyed lessons at school, from fighting over lab coats and grumbling about goggles (not at all flattering as I remember), to the singed eyebrows and sulphorous smells that (somehow) capped most lessons, be it Chemistry, Physics or Biology. Ethical debate has its place, but I much prefer the memory of Claire Stockard covered head to toe in red dye. Heh.

Coupled with these allegations of mickey-mouse teaching, the General Teaching Council is now advocating the abolition of all national cirriculum tests for children below GCSE. Excessive testing is stressful and unnecessary for both gifted and slower kids, no doubt, but there has to be some way of gauging development. Otherwise we're going to end up with a load of 16 year olds who've never sat an exam and think Shelley discovered Polonium, or something equally ludicrous.

Ocean's 13 - the good, the bad, the mediocre

2007-06-11T10:15:00.000+01:00

Howdy people....Another day, another dollar...well, had a mixed weekend, got to jump out of a plane with a pretty lady so it wasn't too bad really...Saw Ocean's 13:

It's an improvement on the self indulgent fluff of the second one but it's no masterpiece...

Yet again it's the George and Brad (and a little bit of Damon) show - no complaints from me - the too cool for school buddies work well together as Danny and right hand man Rusty, staging sweet revenge on Al Pacino's perma-tan casino boss Willy Bank, after Bank screws affable Ocean's veteran Reuben.

Ocean and his gang, with the help of Eddie Izarrd (he turned up in the second one - why oh why...), spend the first half of the movie finalising their plans to break The Bank, Pacino's ultra-yuppy new casino. The set-up chops along at an ok pace but its not really engaging...And there's a wierd scene where the boys contaminate a hotel reviewers room...mind you the brothers in Mexico ('tache-a-rific) is a laugh....

With the second half comes the job - and the audience is safe in the knowledge that, despite a few close shaves, Ocean's team will deliver. And its not badly done (apart from a dodgy parawing jump...urgh), though the smooth ensemble appeal of the Ocean's franchise may wear thin for some by this point....It's fun, it's flashy, everyone knows the outcome...few surprises here...

The acting's not bad, Pacino and Matt Damon are very good, and the movie has some genuinely funny moments (who knew crooks liked talk shows?) - thankfully it is a testosterone only affair (the ladies get cut early on) and has the same 60s/70s background groovyness as Ocean's 11. It's a film that's all about the glittery, yet arid style of Vegas - lightweight fun, no brain power required - though unless you're a major fan I'd probably rent it.

A personal low

2007-06-08T12:07:00.001+01:00

The eight strongest economies in the world are trying to thrash out a deal to save the planet, the top lawyer in the land has been accused of hushing up kickbacks to the Saudi's and the war in the east continues...I'm ashamed to say that today, none of this moves me. Instead I've got that Friday feeling and will stretch no further than to indulge in a gripe at Paris Hilton...

I am yet to encounter a Paris afficionado (though should I wish to I just need to trawl the net, I know). This is an adult woman who garners interest because she films amateur porn, appears at premiers and produces disgustingly catchy pop music. She's a millionairess, is she a philanthropist? Has she got a high school diploma? Does she obey the law? Three strikes and you're out Paris.

Her early release from the LA county jail - in which she had her own cell in a "special needs" unit - has caused a ruckus across the pond. Why, civil rights groups ask, should an idiotic young woman like Miss Hilton, who has unequivocally violated her driving ban, be allowed cushy prison quarters and then an early release simply because she's a rich celebrity? She is accountable, she should be fairly punished. Quite rightly, she's back in front of the judge today.

But she's ga ga, on the edge of a breakdown, or so goes the buzz. She's been drink driving (on however many occassions) for months but it's now that she chooses to throw a hissy fit in the clinck and then modestly announce her personal epiphany at a global award show last weekend. She will do her time and learn from it.

Paris' lawyer said of her imprisonment: “She’s using this time to reflect on her life, to see what she can do to make the world better and hopefully, in my opinion, to change the attitudes that exist about her among many people”. Blah blah...Lets see you do the whole stretch (a hardy 45 days away from the lens) and then find yourself a real job darlin'.

A dedicated follower of Bozzer

2007-06-07T14:27:00.000+01:00

I think Boris Johnson is marvellous. This admission may not win me many friends but so be it (this is not helping the affirmation of my political objectivity - I'm not a Tory. Maybe if they dressed a little better...).

The man's a riot. Though full of bluster and bombast, his column is always entertaining. Even if I disagree with some of his more oblique, sceptical ranting, he's not stupid (despite the silly public persona). Today's article on the proposed labelling of alcoholic beverages is a good example of the man's clarity (and I'm petty, I enjoy Boris laying in to a young, attractive Labour minister. Misguided muppet that she is on this one).

Well done, Boris, for bringing attention to the recycling implications of labelling - how ironic.

I thoroughly agree that warnings will serve no purpose (apart from aiding inflation). Do smokers take any notice of the glaring "Smoking causes fatal lung cancer" legends on their packets...Nope...They feel a little guilty and then ignore it. The same will prove true for booze.

Of course I don't mean to be flippant, the unhealthy consumption of alcohol is endemic within the UK, across all age ranges and social backgrounds and is a very serious issue. Wonder what it is that drives everyone to drink.....?

Check out www.telegraph.co.uk/opinion for Boris' piece on labelling.

On a similar note...a friend of a friend (is this true? My friend says so..) - a non-smoker - was crossing over a quiet junction one day and became distracted by a fag packet on the ground. She slowed to read the warning and was hit by a car (minor bruises and a fractured shin). Smoking kills, people.

Mirror, mirror on the wall....

2007-06-07T10:05:00.000+01:00

Get this - interactive media wizzes over at Thebigspace have come up with a mirror that gives fashion tips as you try on clothes and requests other styles and sizes whilst you change.

A veritable Godsend to shopaholics and bored boyfriends everywhere, the Magic Mirror is due to hit retail stores next month. It works out what clothes suit you from your mirror image, whilst giving you information on the products you are trying on and displaying fashion adverts. Chaps can happily saunter off to HMV or Dixons or whatever, leaving their other half to while away the hours with their very own clothes expert.

Nifty...But can you imagine the lines of over-excited shoppers after they get installed? Womenswear departments everywhere will be under seige (as if Saturday queues weren't nightmare enough), it'll be carnage! And there are downsides to not having your bloke along for the ride...Underware shopping will loose a little of its kick without those shared blushes and smutty giggles, not to mention the added bonus of having a walking wallet...Will we be able to cope when the mirror tells it like it is? "Where have you been for the past decade, woman? Spandex is not your friend" and the dreaded, "Big? Your arse has its own orbit sweetie". Eep...

Cash for honours and e-mocracy

2007-06-06T14:57:00.000+01:00

Some person/persons within the Labour Party is guilty of handing out peerages in return for much needed dosh...hmm...Who might it be....?

The cash for honours inquiry, Operation Ribble to the fuzz, has been going on for over a year now and so far, nobody's been banged up. Mm, I may be just a little disappointed. Anyway, those pesky journalists over at the Press Association have discovered that Operation Ribble (why do I find that name funny?) is set to cost the taxpayer £1 million smackeroonies...That's quite a bit of money going to the boys in blue to find out whether our trusted leaders really are blase, downright corrupt liars.

Popular opinion has already condemned the party as a whole, well, when I say condemned, nobody's particularly happy to think of such underhand dealings down Whitehall way but, eh, what can you do?

David Blunkett has condemned the Yard's working practices as "theatrical" and close ministerial aides, according to the Torygraph, have suggested the police are leaking their findings...And after a year the public and media don't really have a lot to go on - is this because the Yard are dragging their feet or because the political machinery of Whitehall and party sponsorship is so slippery? Nobody knows...

Investigations continue.

Oh and Davie Dave has been championing the democratic value of e-petitions, with some help from Ken Clarke. The two believe that online petitions should be sincerely pursued in parliament. Yep, that's what the rest of us apathetic, 'floating voter' lot would like to believe. That we can show our support or dislike for serious issues and have the powers that be listen to us.

Downing Street launched an e-petitions area on its website at the end of last year. To what end? In February a massively popular petition against road taxation was ignored. I went to a Hansard debate just after the government set out their response and was horrified to hear e-mocracy joked about by politicians and statisticians. In this day and age when political parties are dramatically failing to convince the public of their worth but the digital age reigns supreme, what's so funny about the idea of virtual voting?

Then I remember the thousands of protesters who have marched through London and elsewhere in the past few years. Demonstrators have braved the fickle British weather to condemn all sorts of government policies, including the management of public services and the decision to go to war. Oh right, I get it - if activists couldn't provoke a change in person, why should online opinion make any difference....

To illustrate a point, the link to the petitions on 10 Downing Street's website has the tag, "Be heard". One of the recently added petitions that greets you on the page is the appeal for webmasters to "Take notice of petitions already on this site".

Arrr...

2007-06-06T10:49:00.000+01:00

Forgot to mention...saw Pirates 3 last week...A brief review is in order.

Well, I sat through it all, ignoring the impulse to walk out after about 45 mins...I just kept telling myself, "Don't worry, there doesn't have to be an engaging, continuous plot. It's got Johnny in it and it looks reeeeally pretty. Relax, its supposed to be silly".

It's a narrative mess. My reaction (after sitting through the credits and watching the coda) was, bizarrely, that films 2 and 3 would make better books than films. I'm sure something's being thrashed out by the franchise master minds at Disney as I write...There were so many coincidental references, both mythical and historical - from the portrayal of the East India Trading Company, the legend of Greek sea nymph Calypso, Davey Jones and the many infamous pirates name dropped throughout the films - that it was just too much detail for a kids movie (obviously Gore and co. are very attached to pirating lore - they just tried to cram a couple of hundred years into three hours). Also, the bouts of serious silliness, like Jack's hallucinations, may have amused the younger audience members but they smacked of filler.

All this muddled nautical mayhem was somehow tolerable because the movie's two major pulls - Sparrow's character and the CGI - delivered. Depp's performance is solid, if a little subdued and the special effects are nothing short of awesome (loved the desert crabs..).

The rest of the cast are passable, though I still have problems taking Knightley and Bloom seriously...they can't be mean, they both look about twelve (well, excluding the copious copping off) - their relationship is given alot more weight in this film, which works, I think.

Despite At World's End patchwork plot it is still an enjoyable flick - what other film can offer such sumptuous shenanigan's on the high seas? If you liked the others Pirates 3 will satisfy and there are lots of tie-ins to 1 and 2 - though be warned, its a decidedly darker affair. The opening scene is particularily uncomfortable. Mind you, if nothing else you get a good ogle at Keira. Arrr!

On a side note, work is due to start, fianlly, on '80s feline favourite, "Thunder, THUNDER, THUNDERCATS!" - woohoo!

Celluloid appeal

2007-06-05T12:28:00.000+01:00

Cherie Blair hosted the first of three North American lecture dates last night, speaking about her profession to a 1,600 strong audience in San Jose.

She had stipulated that all questions directed to her after her talk should not raise the Iraq war or her husband's career. None did, however some still had to ask what "QC" stood for and what human rights lawyers actually do. A coherant, informative talk then. Well done, Cherie. Must be all that spin rubbing off....

When asked about Cherie's appeal to an American audience, organiser Chris Di Salvo explained, "I think the movie The Queen was important. People here didn't know who she (Cherie) was until The Queen. And of course Americans really admire Tony Blair".

So Mrs Blair's getting paid around £90,000 on the back of the Oscars (as part of what the Telegraph has dubbed the Blair Rich Project, heh)...? Madness.

A spanking new brand

2007-06-05T09:40:00.000+01:00

After its unveiling yesterday, popular opinion has likened the 2012 brand logo to an illustration of an intimate carnal act - what filthy minds the British public have, tut tut. Great, with five years to go the new brand is out in the public domain...It's supposed to appeal to the young, hip "internet generation" (who doesn't use the internet?) - mummy and daddy, however, think it looks like some very "vibrant" polygons doing the dirty...

Religious groups are aghast and have drawn similarities between the new logo and the chunky lightning strikes of the Nazi SS insignia. That's too far into the noir I think, mind you sex and death sells...

The logo has not been public for 24 hours and already 11,000 people have petitioned to scrap it. I don't think they're going to get very far but watch this space...

There is a familiarity to those funky jagged lines...it's the kind of design that can be seen on railway bridges all over the capital. The government spent £400,000 on a piece of grafitti so as to be down with the kids. It's a real mixed bag. The outline is almost likable, as is the incorporation of the rings. However the "London" typeface is awful and the colours make me feel a little queasy.

Nevertheless it grows on you...It works with the promo advert, evoking colour, movement and modernity (and vulgarity). But the static logo, despite its attempt at a cool noughties edge, is naff. After such an expensive design process it looks like something from my year 9 art folder or something drawn in Paint, a bright, irreverant doodle. And I'm no Warhol...a load of kindergardeners could do a better job...Or better still, the £400,000 would have been better spent on a load of kindergardeners...

Lord Coe and co. are staunchly behind the logo, gushing over its "innovative" and "edgy" appearance - it's controversial and they're proud of it. Coe, head of the Games organising committee, explained that, "We weren't going to come to you with a dull or dry corporate logo that would appear on a polo shirt and we're all gardening in it a year's time [sic]." I don't understand..Wouldn't he rather it turned up on polo shirts than not...? I'm not sure I understand this marketing strategy...sell to young people only, no gardeners...?

But you have to hand it to creators Wolff Olins: the logo's bright, ballsy and different. And soon it will be everywhere.

A reminder

2007-06-04T10:01:00.000+01:00

Terrorism is now an everyday word. The practice is not just on our doorstep, it's already ransacked the fridge and crapped on the carpet. I don't mean any disrespect to any of those who've suffered as a result of home-grown terrorists, far from it. I'd like to think that by now, the Great British public have woken up to the reality of religious extremists but I'm not so sure..

The terrorist threat to this country and our cherished Western, capitalist way of life is very real. Yet life goes on, in the face of extremism we hold our heads up and say, "we are not afraid, we will recover, our system works". Oh the system we take for granted (because it works), so much so that many of us can't even be bothered to vote for it anymore...

The government has got its work cut out - trying to balance security measures and civil liberties and the all important "hearts and minds" pitch against British extremism. Our leader in waiting Gordon Brown yesterday stressed the need, "To show people that we [the Labour administration] stand for freedom and democracy and the dignity of the individual".

It is not difficult to appreciate how passionate young Muslims (along with the rest of us) might find it hard to reconcille this rhetoric with personal experience and media frenzy. Free? What about proposed cameras on every street corner and wheelie bin? Democratic? We're going to have a new Prime Minister, er, but we didn't pick him. Dignity? With underfunded heath and old age care and the need for a "respect Czar" to tell us the proper way to behave...(I'm being sensationalist and overly critical, I know. Its one of the perks of living in a capitalist democracy with a free press...I love my right to a good moan)

So, the Government is busy with hearts, minds and more immediately, holding potential murderers and keeping the country safe.

Just as I encounter the word "terrorism/terrorist" everyday in news reports, documentaries or comment peices, likewise do I hear the most ignorant bluster about Islam from the mouths of otherwise intelligent human beings. Many of my contemporaries understand the literal difference between your "average Akmed" and a suicide bomber but still talk about British Muslims as if they are an unknown entity, a caste apart, wierd.

The rest of us apathetic, irrelgious lot must do our bit. Educate your heart and your mind. If you value our way of life, do not continue to stigmatise Britain's Muslim population en masse. Tolerance and cooperation shouldn't be so hard. Extremists are the dangerous minority, lets not alienate the hardworking, tax paying, very British majority.

Heavy stuff....

2007-06-01T09:31:00.000+01:00

Catholic leaders have kicked up a fuss over abortion and put pressure on pro-choice Catholics to reconsider their views, or risk being denied the sacraments. Of course, Catholic Cardinals would never bully and threaten their flock, but this is a definate prod - support abortion and you forfeit Communion and your ritual link with God.

The leader of Scotland's Catholics, Cardinal Keith O’Brien, went on to urge the Scotish health service stop practicing abortion, that medical schools discourage it and that Westminster overturn abortion law (fat chance there mate).

He called abortion a "social evil" and an "unspeakable crime". He likened the abortion rate in Scotland to, "two Dunblane massacres a day" (roughly 35 unborn fetus's are aborted every day in Scotland).

I respect the traditional Catholic view of every human life as sacred. Medical professionals have the same ethos, yet do not view unborn clumps of disorganised cells as living human beings. They are potential lives.

As a secular young women, sexually active and pro-choice, I'm in no position to comment on Catholic doctrine but O'Brien's shock rhetoric and comparisons offend me none-the-less.

What does an aging male ecclesiastic know of being a pregnant women? He paints a picture of thoughtless girls having abortions willy nilly, because they can. I have friends who've undergone one, one for health reasons, the rest because of circumstance. None of them took their choice lightly, part of them died with their unborn child.

The idea of having one makes me feel very scared and sick but should it come to it, I would. Right now I could not give any child of mine the support, stability and complete love it deserves. I do not appreciate being told that waiting until I can provide these things, should it involve having an abortion, would be an "evil", "unspeakable crime".

Catholics are not being chastised for having abortions themselves but for tolerating the choices of others, who for whatever reason, want the proceedure.The Catholic Church, despite recent forays into liberal thought (contraception might not be the devils work after all), now appears as unbending as ever, in fact making a point of damning worshipers and sympathisers. How very Christian...

The perpetual, pervasive evil of Disney

2007-05-31T10:37:00.000+01:00

I've always jokingly blamed my romantic ideals on Disney. Prince Charming always turns up and everyone lives happily ever after. If only life and love would go so smoothly....

I grew up on a Disney diet of singing animals and fantastic twadle but as a kid I loved it and as an adult I still appreciate a good fairytale. I can, of course, seperate fantasy from reality and could do so as a child. Disney movies sparked my imagination but ultimately I knew they only existed on the television screen in front of me.

Thanks to my upbringing I also regarded my elders as my betters, even if some of them were grumpy and smelled funny. Now, all grown up, I know better - some old people really are rather insipid, mean spirited and stupid.

American academics at Brigham Young Uni, Utah, have found that a significant minority of Disney movies portray older characters as bad tempered, silly, mean and evil. The tenuous link is there, they argue - Disney characters foster negative images and make kids think old people are bad...

Well, they might make children think some old people are bad/mad/thick, maybe...

What a waste of academic resources, time and energy. People have been banging on about the stereotypical format of Disney films for years, perhaps parents would prefer a couple of dancing gay Chiuaua's in the next movie, or something...

All this controversy has got me reminising...There really were some great old Disney films (not to mention the new souped up Pixar offerings, which are stunning). Check out The Sword in the Stone...."impudent piece of crockery!".

Smoking rant

2007-05-31T08:50:00.000+01:00

Around 10 million of us smoke, not to mention those who satisfy themselves with the odd fag down the pub or who down-right lie about their habit.

I'm sure you're aware, as the 10 million painfully are, in a months time it will be against the law to smoke tobacco in public, enclosed and work spaces in England. And boy has there been a lot of noise over the issue - its the civil liberties of the minority vs. the health and prejudice of the majority.

I use the word prejudice in conjuncture with non-smokers because many have no understanding or sympathy for the addiction. Yes, its disgusting and dangerous and non-smokers just can't see how the smell, the taste and the physical harm it causes the smoker and those around him, is worth it.

Its not worth it of course, its an addiction. Smoking sucks but it becomes hard-wired into the smoker through conditioning. The psychological impact of smoking is immense, the ritual itself becomes a mental sanctuary to be cherished, whether rolling a cigarette or feeling the smoke hit the back of your throat and the (albeit rank) taste spread through your mouth.

And giving up is no picnic. Non-smokers have no idea what the cravings feel like. They're bloody awful and many never manage to make the mental break with smoking, its an itch, untouchable, under the skin.

Pity the smoker. Don't pay for his medical bills.

I'm not particularly bothered with the blanket ban - it'll be lovely for non-smokers of course and they are the healthy majority. Hopefully smokers will be moved to stop as a result. Mind you as an infrequent smoker (still an addict, I know) I can't help feeling marginalised and think its a real shame that people will no longer be privileged (its not a right, of course..) to enjoy a pint and a smoke down the local. But the ban was inevitable and smokers will deal with it.

NICE's proposal that the NHS pay for a new anti-smoking drug is appalling. Smokers are an obvious drain on the health service but I do not see how Champix will make a discernable difference, at the expense of the swelling number of cancer patients who can't get help on the NHS (thanks to NICE).

The drug's performance is also questionable, with only 20 per cent managing to break the habit in the long term after taking Champix. Surely, it will also carry with it a number of horrid side-effects.

As stated, smoking is psychological issue, if you don't really, really want to stop, you won't. No wonder pill will reprogramme you. And if you do want to stop, fine, try Champix, Zyban, NRT, go cold turkey, whatever you feel will help. I see my goal to banish smoking from my life as a personal quest. No one forced me to smoke in the first place and the addiction is my problem. I greatly appreciate the support of my non-smoking friends, though I neither want nor expect anyone else to foot the bill for my stupidity.

Good service

2007-05-30T12:40:00.000+01:00

Apparently there's a global shortage of butlers and the most sought after professionals are the English.

Butlers - or household managers as they are known - are becoming increasingly popular amongst America's rich, where their English charm and capability is desirable. The average English butler earns £30,000 at home, whereas US salaries range up to £250,000 or higher. Who knew...

The story reminds me of the kitsch '80s movie, Clue (a whodunit based on Cleudo).

Tim Curry's Wadsworth gets asked by the blustery Colonel, "Who are you?"

"I'm the butler, sir", he stoutly replies.

"But what do you do...?"

"I butle".

He he...

How to be good

2007-05-30T09:53:00.000+01:00

ASBOs and ABCs..urgh, I'm getting sick of government acronyms and remain unconvinced as to their powers of conversion.

Acceptable Behaviour Contracts, ABCs, augment ASBOs, they have no legal status but let repentant oiks show how keen they are to adhere to their court order.

Now if you get done for shoplifting, nothing gets done to you. Someone commits a crime, they don't get arrested for theft, oh no, and now they don't even get a fine. Those guilty of petty larceny will soon be able to aviod any sort of punitive consequence by signing up to a six month ABC with their local constabulary. If they behave for the period of the contract, they walk away unpunished. The same goes for vandals and disruptive drunks who will be able to enter into an ABC.

Not surprisingly, retailers are livid.

Theft is, of course, anti-social behaviour. But nicking a telly is a more tangible offence than being a noisy neighbour - surely the wrongdoing is obvious, both God and the natural law prohibit it.

Kevin Hawkins, of the British Retail Consortium, expressed his anger at the plan to promote ABCs amongst thieves. He said: "We're all under an acceptable behaviour contract, that's what being a law-abiding citizen means."

Hear hear. We all adhere to a social contract with our governors and fellows and are privileged to have a liberal, democratic one. Perversely, none are so privileged as the offenders in question, who show a complete disrespect for society. The Labour nanny state is sometimes referred to as Draconian and overbearing, not so here, this measure seems like pure laziness.

Draconian would be imposing national service on criminals. Ah, one day...

We all appreciate that anti-social behaviour needs to be delt with. I actually think ASBOs are good in that they bring the perpetrator to the attention of his community, however what good are they as a real social sanction? You know that bloke down the end of the road has an ASBO, does he give a damn that you know? Nope, he's proud of it...There's no reaction. Without punishment - be it social shaming, incarceration or a monetary fine - how can there be limits to what is and isn't acceptable?

The Home Office website explains that: "The aim of an ASBO is to protect the public from the [anti-social] behaviour, rather than to punish the perpetrator." There you have it. Be good, or else.

Phyric Patricia? - new NHS figures

2007-05-29T11:09:00.000+01:00

The good news: the NHS is in the black, the bad news: Patricia Hewitt is still employed and dictating health care policy, though, happily, I think her days (in the role) are numbered...

Last year's cutbacks were recognised as a necessary expedient. State health care was springing deficits all over the shop and Hewitt threatened to resign if she could not pull the monolithic service out of debt. Well done Ms Hewitt - wards have closed nationwide, minimum waiting times are imposed on patients, around 25,000 staff have lost their jobs and we can't pay our nurses or even employ our doctors - but its a victory for government penny pinchers.

The NHS was £547m in deficit last year. Now it looks to have gleaned a £500m surplus (official figures due next month). Though I have to ask whether the loss of jobs and resources will prove worth it. Do we all feel the health service is running better (if at a slightly cheaper rate)? The doctors don't. It'll be interesting to see how Ms Hewitt's sucessor deals with Department PR.

The medical profession - understaffed and underpaid - is unimpressed. The acting chairman of the BMA, Sam Everington, believes recent cutbacks, "have impacted adversely on patient care." Right, so we've saved a bit of money but service has suffered.

But the squeeze is still on and hospitals who have made hefty cutbacks are unable to claw back some of the underspend. Instead they are being asked to make more savings to help compensate for less economical counterparts. What a hoot.

A spokesman for the Department of Health explained the difficulty of breaking even: "Trying to balance the books perfectly is like landing a jumbo jet on a postage stamp. It's hard to come in bang on zero."

Mm...jumbo jets are quite good at landing in the right place, their pilots know the flightplan and their onboard computers tend to work....What a silly analogy. I think we'd all like a bit of sanity along with some solvency.

Pillaging pensioners and thumb screws...

2007-05-26T10:33:00.000+01:00

74-year old Robert Newnham faces the next five years in jail after holiding up a Dorset building society. His justification for attempting to make off with £1,000 was that it was simpler then filling in the relevant documents to claim his state pension. A likely story.

Social security forms are by no means user friendly, though after a short time spent double checking your persoanl history (already on file somewhere anyway) and tracking down those long lost premium bonds, he could have been entitled to a little over £50 a week.

A mere grand, what was the man thinking?

He's hardly setting a good example, our prisons are full of enough opportunists as it is.

Free attraction entry for Asbo holders....any one of of Britain's thousands strong Asbo brigade can now tour the London, York and Edinburgh dungeons, the only charge being a little public humilation. Once admitted they will be identified to other visitors and sentanced to hang....so far so good. Asbo holders get shown a range of torture implements and try a simulation of the gallows...

Meanwhile every other punter has to pay £8.95 per child, £19.95 per adult, for admission.

The scheme is being portrayed as "a punishment", helping criminals to realise the consequences of their behaviour. Um, what consequences are these exactly...?

MPs have rightly protested at the "inappropriate" nature of the scheme. Dungeon spokesman Scott Williamson replied: "The dungeons are essentially educational attractions. I'm suprised that the MP's have taken the time to comment".

So now we're using educational experiences as punishment for ne'er do wells? Great message, whatever it is.

A memorable farewell - so long Two Jags

2007-05-26T09:50:00.000+01:00

The cars, the women, the croquet....where's the harm in a little Caribbean jaunt?

The past week has seen very little of our esteemed leader - er, both of them - in the news, but never fear, where there's editorial space to filled John Prescott often delivers.

The Deputy Prime Minister, who's only professional role is to fill in for the magical, vanishing Mr Blair, has been off to the tropics to talk about slavery, enjoying a week of some of the best hotels and hospitality the US and Caribbean has to offer, with his press team and muscle along for the ride. Charge to the tax payer; an estimated £50,000.

Ostensibly the visit was for the purpose of...oh, um...that's right, a farewell tour to the America's, including meetings with dignitaries and a few lectures. According to the Telegraph's sources, Mr Prescott has had to work quite hard to fill his diary, with little thought about either his domestic reputation or even the content of his speeches. "This should have been a useful visit", lamented one Foreign Office source - Prescott could actually have made the effort to discuss hard issues, instead of getting his minions to disseminate fluffy press releases to the locals.

But why bother when you've come to the end of the road?

Prescott did his bit by discussing the history of the slave trade and the seminal activism of American greats, "Martha Luther King" and "Abriam Lincoln".

Maybe we could have the George W and John "speech-off" - see who comes out with the most coherant soundbite. Or not.

But it's so pretty....

2007-05-25T15:12:00.000+01:00

Some good news for grunts sick of playing Where's Osama? in the Afghan hills...Robo-moth is on the way! The super-clever bods at the US Department of Defense are to begin engineering the first combat cyborg - a moth lava implanted with a microchip, so that when the insect has fully developed it's nervous system can be controlled by a remote control, the idea being to flutter into the enemy camp and transmit back (see also: Bart Simpson, "Nobody suspects the butterfly"...heh).

Now that is cool.

Bet they have some teething problems though, I can't help being a little sceptical about total artifical control...nature, as they say, finds a way...

What happens when someone turns on a light? Zzzp!

Legal stuff and a bit of Puff

2007-05-25T11:15:00.000+01:00

The attorney general, Lord Goldsmith, has indictated possible changes regarding media coverage and Contempt of Court legislation. Though never having sat on a jury, I think the (sensible) relaxation of Contempt law would be a good thing. Though they often have to be treated as such, the "twelve good men and true" are not stupid.

Presently any publication that presents a "substantial risk of serious prejudice" to jury members involved/due to be involved in active proceeding is in contempt. This includes general comment on the trial and topical articles that may be relatated to the events under scrutiny.

Lord Goldsmith will look into the attitudes of domestic jurors on the back of international findings which show that the public are not easily swayed by press coverage. You don't say....As it stands Contempt law has to assume that jury members are impressionable.

This is speculative but as a 'right minded' individual with an ingrained respect for the British legal system (regardless of my media interests), I imagine most people like myself, if called for service, will be more concerned with the job at hand (wigs, rhetoric and the triumph of justice seems far more compelling) than scouring the papers and cross referancing court reports.

Lets see what our researchers come up with.

We're a nation of binge drinkers, pie-eaters, social disfunction, noisy neighbours, unhappy children....and hippies. Depending on your view, noughties Britain is materialistic, apathetic and disrespectful, though according to a recent poll the '60s ideals of peace, love and understanding are flourishing....bloody hippies...

A Reader's Digest survey found a high level of political dissatisfaction, dope smoking and sexual openess. What a shocker.

I was, however, quite surprised that 79 per cent of those asked could recall the lyrics to Puff the Magic Dragon...he he....That's an achievement, rock on.

A Rubbish Request

2007-05-24T11:56:00.001+01:00

Much has been reported recently about the legislative bickering over the existing Freedom of Information Act - Good. Labour should be ashamed of themselves. Our MPs and officials are taking the mickey with this one, the restrictions and stipulations that are being proposed will undeniably reduce the transparancy and accountability of public bodies.

Richard Thomas' argument that the scope of FOI leads to frivilous and time consuming requests (from both press and public) is certainly true, however I don't believe that this justifies the arbitrary classification (and rejection) of requests. Tony Blair's make-up costs are cited as an example (the PM spent over £1,800 on cosmetics over eight years), a figure that pales in comparison to the millions spent on such cultural imperatives as the Millenium Dome et al, but it is nevertheless an item of public interest (and didn't Tone look smashing..)

Ok, these requests are silly, they're put in to sell papers but the process they illustrate is important. The thought that the press will soon be prohibited from investigating the cost and conduct of MPs is sickening.

An FOI request has revealed that some local governments are set to use microchips to track 3 million dustbins. Boo hoo. Here, I believe, is an example of a pointless FOI request.

Yes, this is another sign of our governors operating below the radar - not good practice I agree - however bin tracking is effectively used abroad and it is ultimately for the good of the planet.

Whatever you think about the hygeine of weekly collections or the reality of global warming, we, as a nation, have to recycle and are being forced to do so - deal with it, start recycling. Once we pull our socks up, councils may reconsider their policy but for the moment desperate measures are called for.

A gang by any other name

2007-05-24T09:32:00.000+01:00

According to the OED:

gang n, a band of persons acting or going about together, esp. for criminal purposes.

According to the Telegraph yesterday, government youth workers say that the term "gang", used to describe groups of young people hanging around outside, whatever their activities, is "not appropriate" as it is used indiscriminately and - get this - is both a distasteful and sort after label for young people.

Eh?

I'm 21, long out of touch with youff culture but what's wrong with calling assemblies of people, congregating together for social and/or criminal reasons, a "gang"? Ok, we could use band, clique, crew or any manner of synonyms but why? So we can pander to these silly officials? A gang's a gang! It's a descriptive term, not a derogatory one.

The idea that the word - in referance to violent, organised criminal gangs - has such a psychological pull on young people, does not wash with me I'm afraid.

When I was younger adults called me and my group of girl friends a gang - on hearing this we resisted the urge to go out and start fights or steal lunch money.

I realise the issue is a serious one about the relationship between youth culture, social development and crime but what is new terminology going to achieve?

In the following article, the Telegraph reported on the light sentance recieved by a bunch of Norwich men who attacked two immigrants.

The first paragraph read: "A High Court judge's decision not to send a gang of drunken men to prison for beating two migrant workers has so appalled police that they are pressing for an appeal of the sentence".

Er, help....I'm a bit shady on what is meant by gang....(see above)

Right, on to Tory education policy, or lack of it....

The Conservatives have been enduring their "grammargate" recently and calls have been made for the party to outline a clear manifesto for education and schools. Along with promoting charter schools, David Cameron does advocate more ability streaming in the classroom and promises, "zero tolerance" towards bad behaviour.

Are the Tories nicking Labour soundbites to help get their message across or because they have no message?

HIPs and Heath Ledger

2007-05-23T10:48:00.000+01:00

Home Information Packs? What are they then...? Nobody seems quite up to speed, especially not the the powers that be who are currently back-tracking for all they're worth...

Well, don't look at me, I've got no idea. To make make house buying easier everyone who puts their property on the market needs an HIP, costing anything from £600+. They were mandatory as of next week. Now you don't need one for a couple more months. And only if you own a house with four rooms or more (and your estate agent isn't didling the spec), however there aren't enough people to carry out the required surveys and the scheme with come into force for all homes but nobody knows when...

Confused? Run for Parliment, why not?

Communities Secretary Ruth Kelly yesterday announced a delay to the rollout and admitted that the necesaary Energy Performance Certificates do not have enough people to issue them. The government is going to great pains to stress the importance of these carbon quotas as a way of combating climate change, however who's going to read them (and really make the changes)? Our approach to recycling and emmissions management needs a serious kick up the arse but are HIPs going to prompt action on the domestic front? I doubt it....David Cameron's windmills were easier to get to grips with...

The packs are a good idea but like so many government schemes, they have been overseen by some Whitehall numpty with blinkers on - frustrating the professionals (who are currently arguing their case against HIPs in court) and disengaging the customer (sorry, public) with climb-downs, confusing press releases and the absence of any useful information.

Lighter note; I am seriously excited (only one year to go...heh) about the journo flick How To Lose Friends and Alienate People, about NY hack Sidney Young - starring Simon Pegg (~drools~), Kirsten Dunst, Gillian Anderson and Jeff Bridges. Something to look forward to - along with The Dark Knight, check out the chilling pics of Heath Ledger's Joker online. eep.

Chelsea Kharma and Parish Life - abridged

2007-05-22T13:26:00.000+01:00

So I have learnt another lesson....always assume the worst and save, save, save, so when your pc crashes in the middle of an epic post your sanity can be retained...

Just wanted to bring attention to the irony of Chelsea's first Chinese garden, currently under fire for its bad feng shui positioning...are Buddhists and Chinese people offended? I doubt it, they're far too laid back, its not their garden after all. In my ignorance I propose they chuck in some more chimes and mirrors and job's a good un.

Trumpington (near Cambridge) is up in arms against its modernising incumbent Rev Tom Ambrose. He now faces the sack after a select "old guard" of sanctimonious sticklers took umbridge to Mr Ambrose making life easier for his choir, improving the heating in St Mary and St Michaels Church, and installing new loos. Legal fees look to cost around half a million if Ambrose appeals against the decision of the ecclesiastical tribunal he is to face in the coming months. What a great move for the reputation and evolution of Anglicanism to get the hump because an innovative cleric is doing his bit. Dumbasses.

Chelsea Kharma and Parish Life, yup more of the same

2007-05-22T10:56:00.000+01:00

Wahey, well, my education continues - this very clever programme saved my draft (I'm technologically challenged, did you guess?). Now I've retrieved it I might as well put it up.

What a charming irony - Chelsea's first Chinese garden has come under fire for its bad feng shui positioning.

Lesley Bremness' garden features a dragon facing in the wrong direction and an incorrectly labelled Buddhist statue, placed too close to the ground. In her defence, Miss Bremness cited logistical changes on behalf of the RHS.

However, the powers that be are not impressed: "We will take a dim view if there turns out to be any lack of appreciation of Chinese culture and respect for Buddha."

Whatever the official outcome, I'm having a hard time imagining hoardes of indignant Buddhists and Chinese racing to London to level the offending plot - they're too laid back to care, its not their garden after all.

In my ignorance this just looks like yet another silly, over cautious example of political correctness. Chuck in few more Bagwas and bamboo and job's a good un.

Cambridgeshire villagers have entered into all out war with their vicar because he made life easier for his choir and wanted to improve heating and install new loos.

Oh dear. The unhappy parishoners of Trumpington, outside Cambridge, are taking Rev Tom Ambrose of St Mary and St Michael Church, to an ecclesiastic tribunal as a result of his modernising policies.

In order to avoid the sack, Mr Ambrose's legal fees (covered by his parish authority) could rack up to £150k and if the Trumpington case gets to appeal charges could escalate to around half a million, lawyers have argued.

Mr Ambrose and his supporters have identified an "old guard" of belligerant litigants, determined to oust the medling 60 year-old cleric from his seat. Despite stringing up their incumbant and diocese (who will be footing the bill for the aformentioned legal costs) and garnering plenty of media attention to boot, these stalwart sticklers refuse to enter into the limelight they have created. Scared are we...?

Anglicanism has enough trouble evolving with today's society as it is - how, exactly, does this bunch of old moaners expect to benefit their community (and their faith) by fighting the well meant changes of an innovative vicar? Dumbasses.

'Try something new' - or not

2007-05-22T09:29:00.000+01:00

Doctoring the shelf life of produce, chasing rodents and employees trimming their nails with food scissors - can you believe it?

Er....well...Anyone surprised, phased at all? What can we, the customer, really do to change the working practises of Tescos, Sainsbury's and the like? Well, maybe something, if any of us who succumb to the convenience of the supermarkets have the inclination, which we really don't.

I'm as guilty as the rest and know from first hand experience the state of these places behind the scenes. When I worked part-time on the check-out in a busy supermarket we had both local and tropical wildlife running around amidst the goods. Birds would swoop in and out of the store room, crapping everywhere, rats were not uncommon. Neither was the occassional wolf spider in your grapes. Yum.

The grocery giants must be heaving sighs of relief that those scamps at the Beeb only infiltrated two stores...God knows what horrors they would have found nationwide.

One can only pity the two journo's who had to spend four months of their lives alongside the "hard working", "committed" supermarket staff - the usual assortment of disgruntled students, chavs and jobsworths - shaving, mincing and re-selling meat (with your section manager's favourite manicure instrument....).

PharmaVision and Structural Forethought

2007-05-21T19:30:00.000+01:00

Ha ha...they let scary individuals like me use the internet, WHY?

Just forgot how to get into my blog. Well, I'll have to run amock and post some more so I wise up a bit...

So....leading drugs companies are vying to air their very own shopping channel, touting their wares right in your living room - with the click of a button cancer sufferers will be able to learn more about their treatment, which does not seem like such a bad idea, to be assured and well informed at such a time. However given the massive revenue this country enjoys, along with America and other developed regions, thanks to biochemical and pharamaceutical products, these proposals scream 'profit'.

This country's regulation of legal drugs is under constant, tenuous scrutiny, though patients are often clueless to branding. Commerce marches on.

The Guardian's scrutiny of Baghdad's US Embassy building, still under construction, nicely covered the reality of the American (and British) mistakes to learn from the past.

In an excellent comparison to Vietnam, academic Toby Dodge commented on the longevity of the Vacitan sized £300m structure, due to hold 615 members of staff when it opens in September. He described how, "A fortress-style embassy, with a huge staff, will remain in Baghdad until helicopters come to airlift the last man and woman from the roof".

He went on to advise the provision of, "a large roof".

He he.

I wonder what the odds are on withdrawl....something to look into....

In the Begining...

2007-05-21T13:36:00.000+01:00

There was the word. And the word was, oh, hang on, I'll get back to you on that...

He he, well hello ladies and gentlemen, friends, foes, freaks and frumps. I'm online, mwha ha! Unfortunately my mental capacity is currently under review, but standby - expect great things (or lashings of random paranoia, right-wing grumpiness, and unmitigated silliness - who knows?).

Instead of desperately trying to think of something profound I shall start as I mean to go on...with carefree abandon.

So, how about the Mail on Sunday, eh? Fingers in lots of pies atm, what a shame they keep getting burnt (with any luck the entire group might spontaneously combust)...They are taking their battle to publish the memoirs of our favourite turnip munching toff, HRH The Prince of Wales, to the Lords.

What a laugh.

Would Charles' candid comments on some far-off foreign regime really make you rush out for the MoS? I doubt it. Bear in mind how highly we all praise his higness' brain power and first hand experience of authority....

Oh, WiFi affecting kids health - any suggestions welcome. In today's digital reality, British kids are scarily computer literate, as well they should be in order to support their parents down the line (when the word 'pension' will surely have become some mystical anachronism, oh wait...). Is WiFi in schools a bad thing? The jury's out on this one.

We ban physical competition and over sanitise every available surface our kids so much as look at, soon we'll be taking their computers away, what will become of the youth of today?

Oh and finally, some ignorant dick has set alight to the Cutty Sark - one of our greatest historical treasures, from a by-gone age when Britain covered the planet and went to war with pretty much everyone, and won.

Right, rant # 1 officially over, I shall retreat into the ether with a Lemsip...ttfn.